Two Beans Or Not Two Beans

I NEED YOUR HELP (a.k.a., Freshly-Baked Cartoon Cookies)

2012-02-01T12:36:00.001-05:00

I normally don't ask for much in this life (except to maybe go back to France), but I feel the need to ~~insert a shameless plug~~ humbly request something from you all.

What I will ask for is nothing too serious. In fact, if you do this, you will feel like a much better person. The kind who makes kitties purr in happiness when you stroke their warm, fluffy bellies.

My request is this: I ask that you take a few minutes and help Invader Stu out with a vote so his blog, Invading Holland, can win a Bloggie under "Best European Weblog" on the Twelfth Annual Weblog Awards.

Why should you vote for him?

1) 'Cause his blog is one of my absoloute favorite things on the internet, thus if one of my favorite things on the internet gets proper recognition, it will make me one happy little girl who will want to spread love, harmony and joy all over the world through freshly-baked cartoon cookies.

Mmm. Cookies...

2) 'Cause he's the official King of Holland (which has still yet to be disputed by the Royal Family).

And, simply put:

3) 'Cause he chronicles what it's like to live in a country that has a perplexing hard-to-learn language and equally perplexing customs, all with a good laugh and awesome cartoons. His blog freakin' deserves a Bloggie, people!

Apart from receiving such an honor as the Bloggie award, he will also earn 2,012 pennies, a.k.a. $20.12, which is approximately 15,27 Euros. That should finance him with enough funds to buy 6 jars of Speculoos, which are 3 jars more than what he would get in the States.

Again, please, please, a literal PLEASE with a cherry on top, vote for Invading Holland under "Best European Weblog" so it could win a Bloggie. (The link is embedded in there.)

Click it! Ya know ya want to... *waggles eyebrows*

Thanks so much!

Barb the French Bean

Poker, Anyone?

2012-01-26T10:17:00.023-05:00

When I was about 10 years old, my dad taught me how to play poker. I remember asking a whole bunch of questions regarding the game and couldn't quite understand why grown-ups liked playing poker.

Then my dad took out fake monopoly money to play with and that was the day I got hooked.

There wasn't a day I didn't want to play poker, it was exciting and just the thought of winning fake money made me want to play even more.

However, at the age of 18, I had forgotten how to play poker until I saw the movie Casino Royale. There is nothing more sexy than James Bond in a casino or George Clooney robbing from three different casinos. With so many movies based in a casino, how could I forget how to play poker? Especially, when so many of the movies teach you how to play.

Recently, I read about the top 5 casino movies and I absolutely agree with the list. They are also movies worth watching (you might just learn a thing or two).

Anyways, at the age of 18, I went back to playing poker and the more I learned about casino games, the more games I learned to play. One of them being blackjack, which started when I saw the movie 21.

Of course, I didn't have a casino right around the corner. So to feed my addiction, I would play the casino games they have online, but I would continuously lose. Well I gave up on online gambling, until I learned about the strategy articles that the wonderful world wide web offers.

Now with these strategies, I can finally win a game and I can become ruler of the world! Okay, maybe just the champion of a few games, but it does give me an advantage that others may not have.

Not only do they offer the best strategies for gaming online, but you can also learn a few things here and there for when a trip to Las Vegas takes place. Who wouldn't want to win a million dollars? I do for starters, but for now I see myself playing online casino, until I can make my way to Las Vegas.

If that ever happens and I end up winning, I'll buy you all new cars.

New toy cars.

Hanny the coffee bean

Everything is Hunky-Dory

2012-01-23T14:50:00.001-05:00

See? That's me being a-okay!

Well, we are well into the twenty-third day of the 2012 and it is only up until now that I came up with something to say.

(To Coffee Bean: I'm sorry if I put you through the responsibility of single-handedly taking care of the blog posts. That was quite rude of me and I'll try to refrain from doing so again.)

It seems that most of my inspiration got zapped the second December 26th rolled into my life, for it was on that day that I saw the very first Weight Watchers commercial in over two and a half months of television ads devoting themselves to spreading holiday joy straight to my thighs...as if fast-food commercials weren't bad enough.

Seriously, people, that made me go "WTF? You tortured me for two and a half months to gorge on rich, high-calorie foods and NOW that Christmas is over, you want to guilt-trip me into losing weight?" I couldn't even enjoy the last full week of 2011 without thinking "Jenny Craig is right."

In short, I did a personal re-evaluation and set a new target weight loss goal.

I want to lose 75 pounds.

Of which I've only been able to shed 2.4 of them. Whoot.

Something tells me that I may have to join a gym. There is even a gym that is rather close to my home, only a twenty-minute walk away. All of the other gyms require driving, and I prefer to spend twenty minutes walking as opposed to twenty minutes driving. Sounds like the perfect place to go, right?

Except the people in Miami can be a bit odd. I don't know what was going through the owner's mind when they founded this chain of workout areas, but with a name like PORKY'S GYM, the chances of me enrolling there are zero to none.

And, yes, Porky's Gym is a real place. Based on their website's front page, I'd end up looking like a muscle head by the time 2013 rolls in.

What guy wouldn't like to date a lady who had a diminished chest and bigger biceps than he does?

I think I'll go take another walk today followed by a quick shower. I usually find that my best ideas come in the middle of walks and showers.

Barb the French Bean

Hello, Fake Mr. Nice Guy

2012-01-21T02:01:00.011-05:00

I know this blog is usually for shits and giggles, and I am very aware that I sometimes go into an emotional rant, that probably has all my male readers banging their heads against a wall waiting for the return of ninja squirrel.

However, Bare with me... and my dear male readers you can also apply this situation to a woman as well, though I would probably title it The Acting Bitch: Hiding Behind the Nice Act.

A while back I wrote about the asshole phenomenon and how being an asshole seemed to be the way some guys got girls. Well in one of my random conversations with one of my friends, I questioned why a lot of the guys I dated changed through the relationship or after it...Her answer was that they were faking it to get with me, but later showed their true colors.

Then this thought came to mind, guys fake being nice to get with me when in reality they are assholes?! But...why?

Why is it that they change into being nice and follow me around like puppy dogs until they have my attention? and why is it that when I actually give them that attention, they turn into assholes and with one wave of the finger they make the decision of breaking up with me?

Is it selfishness that causes this? bitterness towards women? or just plain immaturity? or maybe just a perception I have? or it might just possibly be me?

I'm not saying that I am great myself, I have hurt others in my younger years, but at the same time I do have a good heart. A heart that seems to care way too much about people and my thought is...why?

Why fake being nice to just be with me? Sure, they might have not been nice at all and might have just used this as a way to win their challenge, but really everyone I've ever dated?? I've gotten the usual "I'm a good guy," "I'm not like every other guy," "I'm the guy that everyone overlooks," type of lines and yet when I believe that this might be true, they turn around and turn into assholes.

Will I ever know what is up? Probably not...They probably are attempting to be like this guy:

But I doubt it.

I hope I eventually break this cycle of dating so many fake Mr. nice guys and genuinely date a nice guy, who will not hire an asshole or turn into one.

Hanny the coffee bean

Airplane Bathrooms Vs. Coffee Bean

2012-01-19T00:03:00.003-05:00

I'm not great at story telling. To me going into too much detail gets a bit tedious for me. So instead I will tell you what my thoughts were while I was waiting to use the airplane bathroom.

If you have ever gone into an airplane bathroom then you know how small it is. If you have never been in an airplane bathroom then let me demonstrate.

That is an airplane bathroom. Small as hell...

Anyways, so on my way to England, I had to be on a plane for about 8 hours and being human and all, I had to use the bathroom.

So as I make it to the bathroom, I look at the little sign that says occupied. I go towards the next bathroom and that pesky little occupied sign was on.

As I waited outside the bathroom door, my mind could not shut up.

I really need to go...damn it how long is this person going to take...

*5 seconds later*

My bladder is going to explode! get out of the bathroom!!!

*stares down occupied signal*

*about 10 minutes...*

WTF?! are you shitting in there?? did you die?! OMG my bladder is going to burst!!!

It's probably an elder...I hope its not that 700 lb guy who kept staring down my food, he was scary..

*a few more minutes*

*Young girl comes out of the bathroom*

WTF?! was she playing with barbies in there?!

*Rushes into bathroom and handles some business*

I hope barbies aren't going to attack me in here...what if the lights turn off and I get bitten by something. Or maybe the airplane falls and all they find is a girl on the toilet...that girl is me...

I don't want to be remembered as the girl on the toilet!! or maybe before the plane falls my knight in shining armor will rescue me from the bathroom, but wait! I don't want him to see me trying to take a shit on the toilet...I rather die as the girl on the toilet. Maybe the hidden rabid barbies will eat me alive before they find a girl on the toilet.

*Gets off toilet and proceeds to pull up pants*

*Some turbulence occurs and something falls down*

Ack! The barbies are attacking me!

*waves arms around in the air frantically*

omg what if it was a roach? maybe they are in cahoots. I knew I hated those damn plastic things, they are secretly working with the roaches to take over the world!

*Stares at a tissue paper that had "attacked"/fallen to the ground*

No one must know how paranoid I am at the moment. Anyone would think I was bonkers...Can you imagine "Hi my name is Hanny, I'm a psychology major who thinks barbies and roaches are in cahoots to take over the world."

*Looks around and flushes toilet*

I wonder what would happen if a snake randomly appeared out of the toilet. Where would it come from? It would be impossible or would it...

*Washes hands*

I wonder how people even dare join the mile high club, especially in this tiny place. I mean leprechauns can do it, but people? really? what if both of them were like 6 feet tall? I can hardly breath in here...

*Gets out of the bathroom to see a line of people*

Was I in there that long?!

Sometimes...I wonder about myself...

Hanny the coffee bean

Thought of the Day: Not Good Enough?

2012-01-13T12:52:00.005-05:00

All the posts I have, inspired by my trip to England are still being written, but today I wanted to talk about something else.

Something that has been plaguing my thoughts day in and day out. Something that I wake up to and fall asleep thinking about. These thoughts have now become my new boyfriend in the sense that I cannot stop thinking about it and it is driving me absolutely crazy.

So the thought of today and of a few weeks ago is:

Why when you have something good right in front of you do you insist on getting rid of it?

This question of course has nothing to do with me because I cherish everything good in my life, but on a daily basis I have noticed that people do this a lot and I do not quite understand.

Are we so focused on our past that we do not realize what we have in front of us? Is it that what I may see as something good, they don't see it in the same way?

It can be with anything really, but my thoughts have leaned towards being in a relationship/dating.

I know it seems that often this certain topic seems to appear in my daily posts as if I were obsessed, but truth is that being a psychology major makes me want to investigate the things that do not make sense to me.

But here is another kicker, it will never make sense because we are talking about everyone's perspective on things, upbringing, experiences etc...

So why even think about it? Well my mind was made to think about the thought process of others, which makes sense as to why I chose Psychology in the first place.

Think about it though, have you ever met someone who was just amazing, but has had some shitty luck when it comes to dating? Have you ever had something good in the past, but messed it up?

I want to hear from my readers today.

Why when someone has something good right in front of them, do they mess it up and walk away from it?

Hanny the coffee bean

Never Share a Room with Grandma

2012-01-05T22:13:00.011-05:00

I love my grandmother and though she is an elder, she has a very young spirit, but sometimes my grandmother can be quite wonky.

The time difference between Florida and England is about 5 hours. After going to a pub, my family and friends decided it was time to go home to get some shut eye, but that didn't seem to be the case.

"Hanny wake up! It's 12pm, everyone's awake and probably having breakfast. I already took a shower."

My grandmother had turned the light on and frantically moved around the room. I yawned and still felt very tired, but I sat up. I took a look outside the window still in zombie mode and noticed it was still dark out.

"Grandma...It's dark out"

"Yeah, but I heard that sometimes at noon its dark like that..."

I went towards my purse to get my phone. As I turned on my phone, it read 7:05pm.

"Grandma, it's only about 12 am since its about a 5 hour difference and it's only 7:05pm in Florida."

"How can it be, I heard people walking around."

"Go see if mom is awake."

My grandmother left the room only for her to come back two minutes later.

"She asked why I just woke her up."

"So everyone seems to be sleeping then...So basically you woke up an hour later after you had fallen asleep only to take a shower and wake half of everyone up at midnight?"

"I guess so..."

My grandma and I had a good laugh...

You gotta love time differences.

-Hanny the coffee bean

Good-bye 2011 and Hello 2012

2011-12-31T18:24:00.008-05:00

To most 2011 was an incredible year and to others it was just as bad as 2010. To me, however, it was the year of learning.

I didn't think much as to what 2011 was going to be for me, all I knew was that my resolution for 2011 was going to be the year to lose weight, get rid of sadness, get a new job and make myself a better person. Well at the start of 2011, I did lose weight, surrounded myself with friends, but the sadness was still there.

In 2011, the things I was working hard for paid off. I had it all- a great job, great friends, great lifestyle, great classes, great family, a healthier me and a semi-good boyfriend. As the year went on, I lost a few things on the way.

Even through some tough situations, I have made it out alive and as time passes, my maturity level grows.

Things I've learned:

1) Not to jump from guy to guy until I am fully healed from a past relationship.

2) To communicate my wants and needs and stop speaking caveman.

3) To focus on me and stop worrying about everyone else so much.

4) To appreciate every great moment in my life.

5) Ben & Jerry's will get me even more depressed, especially when i see my expanding waistline.

6) Crying is never the solution.

7) Things truly do happen for a reason and soon it will all start making sense.

8) Never give up being who you are for someone else because that someone else liked you for well...you.

I learned a lot more, I even had an end of the year epiphany, but that's a whole other story.

My 2011 Stats:

(I would have more stats like how many times I've partied, drank, went to school and what not, but I lost track of all that.)

My 2011 is not ending on the strongest note, but I am confident that 2012 will bring me great things and that with everything I learned this 2011, I will be ready for whatever comes my way in 2012.

So with that said I wish you all an amazing 2012!!! And remember that things DO happen for a reason.

Here's a sneak peek as to what I'll be talking about in my future posts:

It was so windy, my side bang got on my face when this shot was taken.

Hanny the coffee bean

Coffee Bean's Grand Adventure!

2011-12-30T17:51:00.002-05:00

As many of you might have read I went to England for Christmas and spent a good week there. Well now I am back and with so much to write about! Of course I will not bore you with so many details, but I will tell you about a few crazy things that happened, a few funny observations and of course I will show off some pics.

Since I have so much to talk about I will do it all in different posts and wait until I tell you all about my visit to the pub, the druggie, the handsome English man that I stayed with, the crazy guys in queen costumes around Westminister and so much MORE!

So stay tuned! You'll have quite a laugh.

Hanny the Coffee Bean

A Re-Cap of French Bean's 2011

2011-12-26T19:16:00.000-05:00

1) Celebrated the New Year in Dijon and went soldes shopping. Acquired new dresses.

2) Went on a snowshoe hike in the Hautes Alpes with my French BFF Mimi.

3) Became an addict to Speculoos.

4) Celebrated 24th birthday. Co-workers gave me a nice birthday/going-away party.

5) Didn't want to leave France so tried to look for a job. Had three interviews; didn't get a job.

6) The post as a teaching assistant ended for good.

7) Went to Spain for two weeks to visit family and friends.

8) Went back to France for two weeks.

9) Had to leave France. Specifically, Dijon. Fell at the top of an escalator at the RER stop near the Orly airport (which took off a good chunk of skin from my right knee). Flew from Paris to Berlin, then Berlin to Miami. Have a nice scar from the fond memories of Paris's grand good-bye to me.

10) Went back to Miami.

11) Hated being in Miami so left to visit Coffee Bean in Orlando. Met Cool Guy there.

12) Went back to Miami.

13) Got depressed. Started emotionally binging on chocolate, chips and ice cream.

14) Went back to Orlando.

15) Started dating Cool Guy.

16) Went back to Miami.

17) Started long-distance relationship with Cool Guy.

18) Got depressed. Started emotionally binging on burgers, fries and shakes.

19) Started writing a novel.

20) Went back to Orlando. Spent time with Coffee Bean and Cool Guy.

21) Went back to Miami. Discovered that local supermarkets sell Speculoos.

22) Tried to look for a job, to no avail.

23) Got depressed. Started emotionally binging on cheese, breads, speculoos, speculoos and more speculoos.

24) Surprised to discover that I gained twenty pounds. Felt utterly disgusted that most of my hardwork went down the drain (and straight to my thighs).

25) Learned how to bake bread...sort of.

26) Had Thanksgiving with family. Binged on turkey, eggnog and coquito (Puerto Rican eggnog).

27) Went to Orlando to visit Coffee Bean and Cool Guy.

28) Got offered a job (via the internet) to be the Minister of Transport for Holland.

29) Broke up with Cool Guy.

30) Went back to Miami. Started eating salads and cucumbers.

31) Celebrated Christmas with the family.

32) I'm pretty much bored out of my mind.

The Stats:

Total number of Ex-boyfriends: 1

Total number of hours spent whining about wanting to go back to France: approximately 450 hours (and counting)

Total number of job interviews: 5

Total number of internet job offers: 1

Total number of real-world job offers: big, fat goose egg

Total number of pages written for novel: 184 (and counting)

Pounds that I need to lose: 45 (approx. 20,4 kilos)

All righty. Sorry that I didn't provide a nice cartoon with this blog post because, quite frankly, I'm just not up to it. Maybe I'll draw something later.

Nevermind. Here's a cartoon of a Kickass Ninja Squirrel.

So, dear readers, I wish you all a Bonne Année 2012! Here's to some more future blog posts!

Barb the French Bean

European Flashback...The Colombian Edition

2011-12-22T10:43:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay. I know this series is supposed to be called European Flashback, but I wanted to pay a small tribute to my mother's hometown of Cartagena, Colombia. I justify reflecting on my trip to Colombia seeing as how it was a crucial port for the Spanish way back when.

For those who don't know, Colombia is in South America. And for those who don't know, Colombia is spelled with two O's, not a U. Columbia is a university. Colombia is a country. (Don't feel bad if you've made that mistake; I've seen The New York Times get it wrong. Professional journalists screw up, too.)

So, in the fond memory of what it was like to celebrate Christmas with my 3 uncles, 2 aunts and 21 cousins (no joke), I'd like to take you on a journey to one of Colombia's prettiest cities.

The proper name of the city is actually Cartagena de Indias, and it is identified by the surrounding walls called murallas. That which is within the city walls is colorful!

This is the Reloj Publico (the Public Clock), which is essentially the main entrance to Cartagena de Indias.

This is la India Catalina. She is said to have saved the city at some point.

The Public Clock, as seen from the outside with the murallas and Christmas decorations.

This is Pedro de Heredia. He founded Cartagena on June 1st, 1533. You will respect him.

You will also respect his colorful buddies that hang out with him.

This is the Portal of Sweets!

The Portal of Sweets is essentially a part in which you can buy sweets and various items, such as magazines.

This was the house of Saint Pedro Claver. It also served as a sanctuary for runaway slaves.

And this is what it looks like inside!

That which I love the most of Cartagena are the bougainvillea that cascade from the wooden balconies!

This is Simon Bolivar. You will respect him.

As any Colombian will tell you, that which makes Cartagena so popular are its beaches!

The beach in Boca Grande (literally, Big Mouth)

This is Juan Valdez Café. It pretty much blows Starbucks out of the water (and this is coming from a Starbucks fan).

And this was the tree on Christmas morning 2006!

Joyeux Noël! Feliz Navidad!

Barb the French Bean

Surprise, Surprise!!

2011-12-21T22:27:00.010-05:00

Yesterday morning, the vibration of my phone woke me up. In a cranky state and still in a zombie mode, I picked up my phone to see what the vibration was all about. It was an email, but it was not just any email...

That got me out of bed faster than my love for fries would have ever done (and I LOVE fries with a passion).

I never thought that our blog would actually make it as an Editors Pick of The Day and for that we are very grateful.

What a good way to end the year 2011 plus I will also be going to England for Christmas.

That's right, I will be visiting England for Christmas!! So keep a look out for me. I will blog about my trip as soon as I come back and I know I will probably come back with some crazy stories.

So in advance I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and thank you all for your support.

Hanny the coffee bean

Snow White is a Bad Ass

2011-12-14T02:01:00.012-05:00

Once again insomnia kicked in and as I explored the internet, I decided to youtube Snow White's Some day my prince will come song.

As I enjoyed the beautiful song, an image of a bad ass Snow White came to mind. For those of you not aware, there is a new movie coming out called Snow White and the Huntsman.

The title says it all and so does the trailer, but since when does Snow White wear armor and fight battles?? Part of me wants to see the movie hoping I'll see some bad ass fight between Snow White and the evil queen, but part of me does not want to ruin the image that I have of Snow White.

I think it's a bit too late, however, as I got sucked in to watching Once Upon a Time, which of course is a show based on Snow White and most of the other fairy tales.

In Once Upon a Time, Snow White marries the prince and becomes pregnant, but the evil queen sets a horrible spell to take Snow White and every fairy tale character out of their world and into the real world. Where they are to live with no recollection of who they were in their fantasy world and the only one who can break the spell is Snow White's daughter, Emma, with the help of her son, Emma sets out to discover what really is going on in the little town of storybrooke.

It's really good! and I am almost always stuck to the tv every sunday night at 8pm watching and screaming at the tv as more plots unfold.

Snow White has indeed become a bad ass. In every trailer, show, and movie that is coming out I see not the sweet Snow White, but a bad ass with armor on or as I see in Once Upon a Time , she's a chick who steals from the prince, deals with nasty trolls, and has some bad ass moves.

I guess bad ass sells and Snow White sells (so far).

I love Snow White and sleep. I really need sleep.

Hanny the coffee bean

The Living Dead Unicorn

2011-12-10T20:05:00.010-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that I should never EVER write a book. As I mentioned to Barb earlier today, my book would be a horror story with commercials.

Yes, commercials....

in writing and drawing. If you still do not follow as to what I mean by commercials, allow me to demonstrate the following book idea.

My epic book of awesomeness: The living dead unicorn.

Need anymore proof as to why I should not write a book?

(English majors/Professional writers/Grammar critics...save the red ink I know half this whole post would be oozing in red).

(This "book" is mine and the idea is mine. Don't copy!)

-Hanny the coffee bean

European Flashback #3: Lyon, France!

2011-12-07T19:19:00.001-05:00

Back in 2009 and last year, on December 8th, I was fortunate enough to have witnessed the Fête de la Lumière (The Light Festival) that happens every year in Lyon, the gastronomic capital of France. The original religious Lyonnaise tradition of commemorating the Virgin Mary by placing lit candles on the windowsill has, with time, developed into an active city-wide event in which colorful computer animations are projected upon famous buildings and monuments during the night.

The sunny, blue-sky day looked promising!

The Tête d'or park was getting ready for its light show for later in the evening.

The Fourvière basilica and the Eiffel Tower-looking thing from a distance.

This was the nativity scene in the basilica.

The main entrance to Fourvière.

The view of the city from above. The tower with the 8 is the Crédit Lyonnais bank.

My teaching assistant friends and I took a stroll by the Roman amphitheater, which is close to Fourvière.

Posin' with the columns with fellow bloggers Emily in the Glass and Sliles.

I have much, much nicer photos of Lyon, but they are stuck somewhere in some memory cards back in Miami, and the chances of me getting to them are pretty slim. Once I leave Orlando, I will do the city some justice with a better post!

Barb the French Bean

Dear Holland: You're Lucky I'm NOT the Minister of Transport

2011-12-04T14:49:00.001-05:00

One morning, I woke up to a very special job offer. I decided to accept it and to tell Coffee Bean the good news about my position.

"Well, it looks like I'm the new Minister of Transport for Holland."

"What?! How did that happen?"

"Invader Stu declared himself King of Holland and asked me to be the Minister of Transport."

Hey, anything is possible on the internet, people.

Amid my euphoria of finally having ended my unemployment demise, I began to declare to Coffee Bean all of the wonderful transportation reforms that would be bestowed upon Holland, a country in which I have never even set foot.

A billion internet points if you can figure out which post Happy Cloud is from.

Cue maniacal laugh

Be sure to head on over to Invading Holland and check out Invader Stu's accident-prone antics as he discovers and learns about the Dutch way of life. You'll wonder why he hasn't been crowned King yet (it might have something to do with his Speculoos addiction).

Barb the French Bean

The Wise Bean

2011-11-26T23:16:00.003-05:00

I have always been told that each experience in our lives is just another learning lesson. As stubborn as I am, I would kick and scream stating that I had learned nothing except for the fact that men are scumbags.

Men are not scumbags.

I couldn't quite understand what lesson I was supposed to learn from each experience I had. What was I supposed to learn from a cheating partner? What was I supposed to learn from the pig heads I went on dates with? what was I supposed to learn from backstabbing friends? How about the time that I went on and off with a guy for 3 years of my life, where was the lesson in that? In my eyes, I saw no lesson, but just a bitterness growing within my heart.

My poor heart went through the following phases...

sadness:

Bitterness:

Anger:

Jealousy:

During those phases, I didn't quite comprehend what I needed to learn, until now...

I don't exactly know when it happened or why it happened, but at some point I started to see the reality of things and noticed that each experience was indeed a lesson to be learned.

*When my ex partner cheated on me, I learned that I had the strength to surpass that.

*When I went out with the pig heads, I learned what I was looking for in a guy.

*When my friends back stabbed me and abandoned me in my time of need, I learned not to expect too much of friends and choose wisely.

*When my 3 year ex bf came back and forth, I learned to grow with and without him.

Of course there were other lessons I learned on the way, but I didn't quite understand them as I do now. It seems that the older I'm getting the wiser I am getting (and for once my brain is actually working without the stubbornness interfering).

A while back, I had gone out with a man that suited me well. I had trusted him with myself after a while, thinking that our compatibility and the strange connection I felt with him would give us the healthy relationship I wanted.

But not even that could sustain it and I ended up with a broken heart.

I couldn't quite understand what lesson I was to learn from all this and as I continued hurting, I made the mistake of a drunken make out session with him. We eventually talked things out, but in the midst of it all he suggested Friends with Benefits.

That nailed it. In any other time of my life, I would have probably said yes, but by now knowing what it was like to be a FWB and getting crushed in the process was not something I was willing to try again. So I refused the idea and when I did, something within me changed and a realization came into light.

I valued myself too much to the point of putting myself into a friends with benefits with someone I had feelings for. If he didn't want to be with me, then why give him cake? he doesn't deserve cake especially coming from someone like me.

So what did I learn from all of this? How to value myself, how strong I really am, how I know that I deserve better than just a FWB, that I shouldn't let fear control the things I want in life, that I don't have to be perfect to make someone happy and foremost that I love myself just the way I am and that's good enough for ME.

As for guys, they aren't scumbags just confused and demented.

Just kidding.

It took me a while to figure it all out, but in the end I'm glad that I came to learn from my experiences.

Hanny the coffee bean

European Flashback #2: Marseille, France!

2011-11-22T01:25:00.000-05:00

December 2009 was an oldie but a goodie for me. I spent one week (and my New Year's Eve) in the town of Solliès-Toucas with my French BFF Michèle. It was thanks to her and her family that I discovered the city of Marseille by having a lovely dinner in the Vieux Port and taking a gander of the tower alabaster basilica that is Notre Dame de la Garde.

This was the nativity display featuring the terra cotta figurines known as the "Santons," the little saints. They depict not only the Holy family but also aspects of villagers in the 19th century.

This wall holds portraits that were commissioned by sailors who were grateful to Notre Dame de la Garde for having protected them overseas.

Those sailors were very thankful back then.

I was lucky to have been present for this sunset. With the elevation, the view was breath-taking.

The Old Port with Christmas decorations.

We also drove by the Velodrome stadium, where the football (soccer) team Olympique Marseille play.

During my trip, Michèle lent me her copies of Marcel Pagnol's Marius, Fanny et César to read. Also featured are my gifts of a little compact mirror and a pearl necklace.

The French dinner table, as I remember it best.

What would a Provençal home be without its little saints?

And the best part about Marseille?

The traffic jams by the sea. Whoot, whoot.

Barb the French Bean

I Heart You, Target...

2011-11-21T12:22:00.000-05:00

...but you cannot SERIOUSLY expect me to ditch the first Thanksgiving I've celebrated with my family in over two years to go shopping at midnight on the very early morning of Black Friday.

You see, I have not been training and preparing for this day like the crazy blonde lady you've been showing in your ads since last year. You know, the one wearing a red track suit and doing bicep curls with loaded baskets of crap to buy.

Last year, the sales began at four a.m. Now, they will begin at midnight. Hasn't she been through enough already? If you ask me, I'd say that she needs help.

Haven't you thought about what she has been putting her family through since last year? For all I know, she probably was so caught up with the Black Friday frenzy that she totally forgot to make time to prepare Thanksgiving dinner for her husband and two young children. And her kids probably think their Mommy doesn't love them.

I don't wanna end up like her, so it ain't gonna happen.

Next year, if you or any of your conglomerate cronies announce that you all will have a pre-Black Friday sale on Thanksgiving day itself, then I think I might find a nice cave to live in so I could avoid society for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,

Barb the French Bean

This is What Happens on Dating Sites

2011-11-19T11:05:00.001-05:00

As you may all know from my past Ok Cupid post, I have kept my account on Ok Cupid for fun. I kept getting messages that people kept checking me out, but I never went on Ok Cupid to see

what these messages were all about...until now.

I was checking my emails when a message caught my attention from a so called "Thenewguyforyou." With nothing much to do, I decided to check what the message was all about and so I signed into my account...

What a mistake.

I ended up reading at least 8 different messages and each one more ridiculous than the other, but nothing as creepy as what thenewguyforyou had to say to me.

Now obviously this HAS to be a joke because I really don't think a guy would tell me all this shit (though who knows anymore...).

I continued to read the messages to see what other "interesting" things these men would say to me...

Really?? What is up with sandwiches lately. I'm beginning to think this joke is getting old, though I must admit I would have replied with "Me making sandwiches? you're the man you should know how to make your own god damn sandwich."

A lot of the comments I've gotten have been very entertaining, but nothing as entertaining as getting a "spammy" message and if you get one of those on Ok Cupid, you get this message:

Oh Ok Cupid! You amuse me so, let me tell you in so many ways...

Yeah, he knows exactly what I've been dealing with.

Hanny the coffee bean

P.S: While I was writing this post, I got this message:

Was that supposed to work?

This is Why Europe is Great

2011-11-17T20:59:00.003-05:00

Surfing on the computer, I started to reminisce of my well spent vacations in Europe. I must have been in my teenage years when I made my way to France, Italy, Belgium, England, Austria, Germany, and Switzerland.

Venice in 2005

Arc de Triomphe (France of course)

Part of the Berlin wall (2005)

Brussels, Belgium

I remember it like if it was yesterday. The scooters and bicycles seen in multitudes around the Parisian streets, the gondolas passing through the ponte dei Sospiri in Venice, the homeless with their dogs (they ALL had dogs...) in Belgium, The double-decker buses around the Piccadilly Circus in England, the groups of people moving around the Vienna airport in Austria, the painting on the Berlin wall (whats left of it) in Germany, and the Switzerland markets full of delicious cheese of all kinds.

As I kept reminiscing, I started to think of all the reasons why Europe is so great.

1. A lot of their magazines are filled with freebies! In England, they sometimes give out gift cards and nail polish with their magazines for only 2 pounds.

2. They are not afraid of the human body. In the places I visited, they are accepting of the body to the point that nothing is as censored as in U.S.

3. There is so much to see. On one of my trips to France, I saw urinals outside near the Eiffel Tower where a concert was being held.

4. In Brussels they have a cool statue of a naked little boy peeing in the fountain. Who does that? Who has that?

5. They have great food and the fact that you can walk! They don't use their cars as much...why when you can walk, take the subway, train etc...

6. Shopping there is fantastic! you find the cutest things, amusing things and if you are lucky you will even find outside markets that sell fabulous items (I know i found some in Italy).

7. Bargains, Bargains and more Bargains! I must admit when I was in Europe I found stores around England that had a lot of great bargains!

8. Did I mention coffee shops and crepe stands? Imagine a beautiful scenery while you are enjoying your coffee or crepe outside enjoying the view.

Of course there is a long list as to why Europe is great and if I actually lived there I might actually find not so great things, but as a tourist I believe Europe meets my needs when it comes down to certain things and come on who doesn't like freebies in their magazines followed by a walk around beautiful scenery and waffles?? I know I do.

Hanny the coffee bean

(Yes I took those pics in 2005. I had more, but I cant find where I stored the rest.)

Today, I Feel Like A Woman

2011-11-16T19:39:00.002-05:00

Today, I, Barb the French Bean, asserted my feminine kitchen skills and made French baguettes for the very first time in my life.

Yes, today, I made my bread-baking ancestors proud by using nothing but bread flour, water, salt and pungent active yeast that stunk up my kitchen.

(Mm. Can't you just feel the artisanal traditions of yore emanating from their misshapen golden brown crusts?)

Next time, I will add "a pinch of patience" to that list of ingredients.

You have my permission to laugh at how wonky they look, but don't you dare ask me to make a sammich with them. I make sammiches for NO ONE but myself.

(They went well with fried eggs and melted cheddar cheese.)

Good Vs. Evil

2011-11-14T17:46:00.002-05:00

Making a choice always seems to be a battle for me, especially when I have millions of different choices. However, two of these choices seem to stick out the most- good or evil.

There is that voice that tells you not to do it and then there is another voice telling you to do it. Of course I know not to do it, but deep down I want to do it.

Case #1: The sweet factor

There is always something you are not allowed to eat (if lucky, you can eat everything!), but in my case I should really, REALLY avoid sweets/desserts to maintain my healthy weight.

Case #2: Man hunt

Being single has put me in quite a pickle- who's going to buy my drinks now? Hence, why I am very tempted to hunt men down, flirt with them and get my drinks...

Case #3: Max out

Having credit cards in my wallet makes it hard for me not to want to get my very expensive Digital SLR Camera.

Case #4: Trip the bastard

That one person that just frustrates you enough that you want to injure him or just trip him as he walks happily towards his destination...yeah I get those all the time.

There's plenty of things that I have to make choices on and inevitably I tend to choose the evil choices sometimes (Okay so it could be avoidable), but in all fairness it does depend on the situation and only I am responsible for which choice I pick (even if tripping one of the many bastards in my life does seem like a good idea).

Hanny the coffee bean

Under Construction

2011-11-14T01:20:00.004-05:00

You may have noticed that the blog's header that rocked such drawings as Demon Chihuahua, Copulating Snail , Poker King Kong and Ninja Squirrel has vanished!

Well, no need to panic, dear readers, because this is leading up to a NEW and IMPROVED header that will appear...some time soon. Some technical difficulties may or may not ensue.

So, yeah. Chillax.

-Your Friendly Neighborhood Beans

Edit: Just in case you were wondering what happened to the Demon Chihuahua, here is a photo of her after I've asked her if she could give me any job search tips.

European Flashback: Murcia, Spain!

2011-11-11T14:23:00.001-05:00

I've been a bad blogger.

A really bad blogger.

Do any of you vaguely recall that I went to Spain in May? Were you expecting to see various photos of said trip and had your hopes dashed when they never appeared?

I only have on explanation for that: I've been a really bad blogger. I mean, come on, people, I went to SPAIN and I never blogged about it!

Fortunately, I happen to be a firm believer of PICS, OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. So, six months later, I have finally come to my senses and I will do a series of ~~therapeutic posts to ease my crying after having left Europe~~ bi-weekly posts regarding my previous trips around Spain, France and maybe even Italy in 2010 (Italy happened when this blog was a mere twinkling in the eye).

Without further ado...I present Murcia, Spain 2011!

I teamed up with two of my cousins and they set off to give me a tour of the city center.

This is a statue commemorating the sardine fishers of yore. Of course, my guy cousin, who has a warped blogger-esque sense of humor, claimed that it commerated the foundation of the first Ku Klux Klan chapter in Murcia...and my other cousin believed him.

I soon learned that sardines are a big deal in the south of Spain, so much that the river has a sardine water fountain swimming in it.

Vibrant colors marked what would otherwise been just another cloudy day.

Two things I love are fountains and the color red, so seeing this fountain surrounded by crimson flowers in the Downtown area made me go just a little bit giddy!

Even the public garbage cans demonstrate the sardine fishermen.

Water for all! As my cousin explained, the south of Spain is very arid and often lacks the necessary resource of water. My cousin commented that the poster in question took on a somewhat political air.

I look drunk here. Drunk from the happiness of red flowers and fountains!
I can't really recall seeing statues of cardinals displayed in France.

Based on his pose, maybe the Cardinal also studied martial arts?

And this I certainly would have never seen in France (way too secular to display mega-sized posters of religious personalities). It's interesting to travel to different countries and see how they vary from one another.

The cathedral sitting in the public square is one of the most impressive that I've seen in years! Let's take a look around...

This was the view right in front of the Cathedral.

Ceramic street signs? Yes, please.

Our afternoon stroll made a pit stop at an ice cream shop in the plaza.

I discovered so many yummy things in Spain, and helado de nata was one of them. "Nata," in Spanish, means "milk cream," a.k.a. "that filmy disgusting layer of milky fat that forms after you've boiled milk at a certain temperature." For the sake of vouching for how delicious this ice cream really is, let's all just think of milk cream ice cream. It's so good that I honestly wish it were sold in the United States.

So, if you ever go to Murcia, you absolutely must stop by this ice cream shop and at least have one scoop of nata ice cream. Or two. Two scoops of different flavors! Nata y chocolate!

...Can anybody tell that I'm currently in Ice Cream Nirvana just by thinking about this place?

Nata ice cream time eventually made way to a night time stroll in the city.

El Corte Inglés = The Macy's of Spain

And I want THIS giant ladybug to be in my local playground!

Here are pretty much the same pictures of the same things, except we now have the added benefit of seeing them in the sunshine! I find that natural sunlight does justice in bringing the colors to come to life.

This is Alphonse X, the Wise. You WILL respect this man.

You will also respect Chewbacca...

...And Darth Vader.

This poster announces a day of solidarity to honor the Lorca earthquake. It truly was a disaster.

And here are a few shots of things that didn't quite fit into place.

Ladies and Gents, take note: "Love is a strategic game..."

Who else thinks that we need this store in the U.S.?

The local Football (soccer for us Yanks) team has their own merchandise stand in the mall!

"I only went to get a belt!" Apparently, Spanish guys always get something more in the malls.

I think it's safe to say that blonde is not the look for me...

Barb the French Bean

The Things I SHOULD Say, But Never Do

2011-11-08T09:06:00.020-05:00

I have a problem, I rarely say what I want to say. Instead of saying what I'm thinking or feeling, I say something completely different.

(Btw, some dialogues may be switched around )

I should really learn how to use my words and not just keep everything in thought...

Hanny the coffee bean

If You Do This to Me, I Will Hate You FOREVER

2011-11-07T13:44:00.000-05:00

News Flash: If I don't respond the first time, chances are that I am.

Seriously, people. DON'T DO THIS.

Sincerely,

Barb the (Disgruntled) French Bean

Things You Can Learn from Our Blog

2011-11-02T14:39:00.007-04:00

As I sat bored in my room one rainy day, I decided to go back on everything Barb and I have ever written and realized that we have written a few things worth learning.

1. Everything you need to know about Cuban and French Coffee.

2. Things don't turn out the way we hope...They turn out to be better than we hoped for.

3. Some retail jobs judge you by appearance.

4. We sometimes can't control our urges (wants).

5. The French are not arrogant, rude people and do not eat snails everyday.

6. Some people are known for musturbating.

7. Blogging is a great outlet for people.

8. Sometimes we have to stop worrying in life.

9. Some snails are hermaphrodites.

10. Sometimes the heart and brain do not agree.

11. You can get over an ex-boyfriend using the five stages.

12. Google gives out the best ideas ever.

13. Some video games take control of your life.

14. No matter how hard some things may seem, friendship makes things better.

15. How to meet people.

16. How to cure insomnia.

17. No matter what we do, we always must look our best.

18. People are similar to animals.

19. Facebook has taken over the world.

20. Places in France you can find a bathroom.

21. Sometimes love/like does come your way (even if you thought it never would)

22. Dating sites are sometimes not the answer.

23. Life has its ups and downs, but things will always look up (what comes down has to come up eventually...)

24. You experience a lot within a year (and some manage to survive them).

25. Ex-boyfriends (sooner or later) come back.

26. Writing posts about boyfriends is not such a good idea (especially if you two break up).

27. Life is an adventure.

28. Never waste beer.

29. Some men are men-children.

30. There is always some regret in life.

31. Tutorials are a waste of time sometimes.

32. Behind every asshole is a bitch that made him that way and behind every bitch is an asshole that made her that way. vicious cycle.

33. Making money is not easy.

34. Halloween can be dangerous if you don't give out the good candy.

35. Urban legends sometimes have a true back story to them.

36. Dr. Pepper brownies exist!

I know it is a long list, but trust me it is worth taking a look at it. I know I learned a few things from some of the posts I read (even if i did write some of them...and that is saying something.)

Hanny the coffee bean

How I Had Three Different Costumes

2011-11-01T14:18:00.001-04:00

I was excited to celebrate Halloween this year because after having spent the past two October 31sts in Croissant-and-Baguetteland, I felt that I was overdue for an American Ghoulfest 2011. All month long, I somehow willed myself to not rush to the nearest supermarket and start hoarding piles of luscious Candy Corn and miniature bars of Kit-Kats; I promised myself that I would gorge on these sugary treats once it was *officially* acceptable.

And yesterday, I looked forward to spending my day at a Halloween party in the company of a good friend. Before heading out, I prepared myself for the event.

Costume #1: Sophisti-Cat

I admit to having spent almost forty-five minutes trying to get my make-up just right for the day, and I would have finished earlier had I not washed off my handiwork from dissatisfaction of how things looked. I had first experimented with a dark orange powder and decided that I looked like a member of the Jersey Shore who had painted their face with cat whiskers (it simply would not do!).

Once ready, I headed out to the party and my friend informed me that I looked as if I were going to sing and dance on a Broadway stage. Très chic.

Costume #2: Clown Cat

Unfortunately, within ten minutes of being outside, Sophisti-Cat never stood a chance against the heat and humidity of the wonderful Miami climate. It was even a bit cooler than usual for "three-oh-five" standards, too. My white make-up disappeared and all that was left were streaks and blotches (and the odd whisker or two).

My friend and I made plans to purchase candy, eat at a restaurant and then share a quiet moment over of Pumpkin Spice Latté from Starbucks. She emboldened herself to dress up in costume and offered to let me use her own face-paint set so I could go back to looking like a cat. I accepted it.

Oh, and by "face paint," I mean the chalky, oily kind that cakes up on your face if applied improperly.

And it was applied improperly.

In fact, it looked SO BAD that I couldn't bear to take a photo of myself wearing my Clown Cat costume. Instead, I drew a cartoon of what I only wished I had looked like.

Costume #3: Crazy Old Lady Cat

With our evening out pending, I began to panic about how horrible I looked with my Clown Cat face paint. It didn't matter that it were Halloween. I simply could not be seen in public like that!

The solution was thankfully easy and I washed off my temporary appearance. Yet some of the paint had seeped unto the roots of my hair and I could not remove it. With the white blending in to give me gray streaks, I suddenly looked thirty years older. Hence, I was overjoyed by my third costume:

Crazy Old Cat Lady still looked better than Clown Cat. Oh, well. At least I consoled myself with Candy Corn and Kit-Kats.

UPDATE:

In the aftermath of Clown Cat's greasy, pore-clogging consistency, my face has been napalmed by teenaged postules. I also suspect that the Kit-Kats aren't helping fend off the zits, either.

So, Ladies, next Halloween, get the good make-up. You'll thank yourselves in the morning.

Barb the French Bean

Movie Marathon = Roller Coaster

2011-10-31T12:56:00.001-04:00

Every year, a few days before Halloween, I have a tradition of watching a marathon of scary movies. This year, however, my emotions joined in on the movie marathon causing me to experience a roller coaster.

I know Twilight is not considered to be a horror movie, but I couldn't help watching it. So as I continued to watch it my emotions got the best of me.

Of course, I moved on to watching Halloween H2O, but my emotions were still out of control.

As I continued to watch a series of horror movies, something unexpected happened...

The fire alarm for the whole building next to my building, decided to go off at approximately one in the morning.

(You'll hear me whisper a bit, but you can hear the fire alarm)

For someone watching horror movies, I experienced all types of emotions other than fear and due to the fire alarm going off, I experienced annoyance. So after my whole emotional roller coaster, I was in between annoyance and just laughing my head off.

I know this seems kind of crazy and I shouldn't have let my emotions join in on my movie marathon, but at least I got it out of my system.

Hanny the coffee bean

Dr. Pepper Brownies: Not a Mishap

2011-10-29T16:16:00.001-04:00

Surfing on the internet means you will find a lot of interesting things and one of them includes Dr. Pepper brownies.

I came across Dr. Pepper brownies when I saw a post on facebook about Dr. Pepper bbq sauce. My thought was that if there was Dr. Pepper bbq sauce then there must be Dr. Pepper brownies! and so I googled the recipe until I found one good recipe by a really awesome blogger.

Awesome blogger and brownie recipe.

I gathered all the ingredients, which was not from a brownie box and set myself to work. The end result:

Amazing Dr. Pepper brownies!!

Of course, it didn't end there...Frosting was still missing, but not just any frosting....

Dr. Pepper frosting!

So with the help of my roommate, we made a really nice and sweet frosting that the recipe suggested:

Though, I'm not much of a Dr. Pepper fan, I must add that it was one of the most amazing treats I have tried. Even the friends who thought it was an odd thing to do to a brownie could not believe how delicious it turned out to be.

So I recommend that if you have the time, try Dr. Pepper brownies. You will not regret it.

I will probably make some more after I make chocolate soup.

Hanny the coffee bean

Sneak Peek: Halloween Costume Edition

2011-10-27T11:19:00.009-04:00

Halloween is really close and I for one cannot wait!

Since my costume requires make-up, I decided I should just try on my whole outfit with the make-up as well. Of course my make-up didn't turn out so great (I need to buy better face paint), but I am very pleased with my costume.

So ladies and gentlemen I am pleased to present this years costume:

That's right! I'm a mime and of course no one else knows (since it won't be going on my FB just yet), but I think I made a great choice.

So what is everyone else going to be for halloween?

Hanny the coffee bean

The Creepy Truth

2011-10-26T14:26:00.025-04:00

During Halloween, many people like to share urban legends to give Halloween a more creepy effect, but what many do not know is that some urban legends originate from something real.

Urban legends are usually told to scare or make others believe it (sometimes the teller believes it), but there is always an origin to the legend, which differs from the legend itself.

One that seems to stick out the most, however, is the story of the bunny man.

The Bunny Man

There are many variations of the legend, but the one legend that sticks out is the one with the inmates.

A bus full of inmates crashes and some prisoners escape. They found all the inmates, but one. During this time, locals started to find shaved, half eaten rabbit carcasses hanging around trees and the bridge overpass. Then finally police discover the body of a man left in a similar style of the rabbit carcasses hanging around a bridge overpass called "The bunny man bridge" along the railroad tracks.

Officials suspect this was the doing of the inmate calling him the bunny man. They finally locate the inmate, but as he tries to escape around the overpass, an oncoming train hits him. It is said the inmate was arrested for killing his family on Easter Sunday.

In the time approaching Halloween, it is said that the carcasses are hanging from the trees and overpass, and that a figure is seen by passerby making their way through the tunnel.

Of course this is all false, but the bunny man exists. He wore a bunny suit and threatened people with an axe. (sounds even better doesn't it?)

The real truth to the legend is that a man in a bunny suit was seen around threatening people with an axe of trespassing, but as far as I know he never harmed anyone.

More to the story.

There are more legends with truthful origins like bloody Mary, the haunted house (and its creepy "fake" dolls), the dead body under the bed etc...but I do need sleep tonight, so I shall not mention anymore.

Urban legends are fun to research even if they do have a creepy origin to them, but sometimes it's better not to know especially if it involves real dead bodies.

Hanny the coffee bean

Cat Make-Up Practice = FAIL

2011-10-25T12:23:00.001-04:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, I plan to dress up this Halloween with cat ears. So, I got the idea that I should start practicing painting myself like a cat for said costume.

I even had the appropriate music, complete with catchy, head-bobbing-inducing beats, to inspire me in making my face look more feline.

Before you ask if I really love cats: I'm allergic to 'em, so I, too, can't hug every cat.

(The video is not mine.)

I did decorate my face, although I think the make-up session went more in the direction of "If Mimes Crossbred with the Mike Myers's Cat in the Hat."

Barb the French Bean

Don't Do This for Halloween

2011-10-24T08:20:00.005-04:00

Unless you want to be branded by the kids in your neighborhood as "the weirdo health nut who doesn't hand out candy," don't do this. Be warned that kids are more than willing keep their end of the "Trick or Treat" bargain...

Barb the French Bean

Things I Have Learned in 2011

2011-10-20T22:20:00.000-04:00

As the year is coming to an end in two months, I decided to write everything I've learned in 2011.

1. Just because the bitch is blond doesnt mean she cant break drive thru windows.

2. If you date someone who eats a lot, you gain weight, he doesn't.

3. Babies know how to use escalators without a parent. (story coming soon to a blog near you)

4. My ex-boyfriend wouldn't date himself. Two crazies doesn't make a sane one.

5. If a guy says "I can be your transformer"...RUN.

6. Little kids are like little mini people on crack.

7. Dr. Pepper brownies are AMAZING!

8. Anti-Valentine day parties are some of the best parties I have attended (and met a lot of attractive single men).

9. Some people really shouldn't wear skinny jeans, especially if they have a big ass and you can see their ass crack. (EWW)

10. If your gut feeling is telling you something, LISTEN to it.

11. Never EVER watch the human centipede on ANYONE'S recommendation.

12. Guys have equally the same amount of drama as girls (at least the guys I know).

13. Dating friends comes with a very hefty consequence.

14. Never argue with a pregnant woman.

15. Some people are just not meant to be on tv...

My list keeps going, but I think that's enough weirdness for this post.

Hanny the coffee bean

Love Letters to Everything I Hate

2011-10-14T12:02:00.023-04:00

Dear facebook stalkers,

Whenever I get a horny ass message from you guys, I melt. My heart races whenever you guys friend request me and the sole thought that you guys might be masturbating to me makes my heart skip a beat. I love getting the messages where you guys tell me how beautiful I am and that there is no other girl like me. I especially love it when I find out, I wasn't the only girl you sent those messages to. You all had me at "Damn girrrr." I can't wait to talk to you all soon.

The message above says that finding my profile was the "prettiest" thing to happen and that even though people might tell me this a lot, he had a need to tell me that I am a beautiful woman.

I had more messages, but I ended up erasing some of them a while back.

Dear ghost in my room,

I love the way you torture me when I sleep. I love waking up from a strange shake of my bed and not being able to move when I do wake up. You are so funny and adorable when you levitate my clothes while I'm taking pictures of myself. Thank you for the sleepless nights.

If you look to the left of the picture you will see something in the air (looks like clothes), but when i turned around, it wasnt there...

Dear nightmares,

Have I told you how much I love you? I love spending hours and hours of my sleep time being tortured by you. I love how you make me imagine horrible, hideous things that make me wake up screaming. I enjoy our time together while you show me how horrible this world is, how horrible the people in my life are, and how I'll never amount to anything in life. Thank you for all your negativity and torture.

Dear 3 year ex boyfriend,

It has been approximately 1 year and a half since our loving separation. I am sooooo happy that I see you every day of my damn life. I love how when you see me you run away as fast as you can (I'm sorry I can't play hide and seek anymore). Every time I get on the bus to go home, I see you there with your greasy hair soaking the bus seat, how OH SO CUTE! and the fact that we are apparently neighbors, living in the same damn neighborhood gives me such a comfort to know that I am forsaken to see you for the rest of my life ( or until I move). Though with my luck I know I'll get to see your big pores oozing oil face often.

Dear inconsiderate customers,

Thank you for loving me so much and throwing all my nicely folded clothes to the ground. I think about you guys all the time and feel distraught when you aren't acting like animals in my department. It saddens me when your children are not peeing on my floor or running up the escalators that go down. I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see you all ravaging through the department like if its the last store left on this planet. I love it when you all set your crying gnomes on the counter while I try to answer an important call. Last, but not least it touches me when you all are rude while I try to help.

The following video shows you the animals people turn into while shopping...(not my video)

Dear dumb asses that almost killed me at the Childish Gambino Concert,

I love feeling your sweaty bodies on me, especially when you were trying to push me out of the way when I was the one in front. That one guy with beer in his hand wooed me by spitting on me while he sang a drunk ass song. I especially loved getting trampled by your tall ass dumb asses, it was very romantic. You guys were very much amazing when it came to words, especially when it came to talking about 'bitches and hoes' that attended the concert. My heart sang when you guys started to laugh like hyenas...OH THE SWEET SOUND.

Yours Truly,

Hanny

Halloween Kid Costumes = EPIC Pwnage

2011-10-13T21:40:00.002-04:00

Since national Dress-Like-A-Slut Day is coming soon, I said to myself months before that if I managed to lose enough weight, I would dress myself in any costume that I wanted. I had contemplated such beauties as Candy Corn Witch and Hatsune Miku before deciding on the blue dress that Belle wears in the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast.

Well, months have passed and I haven't met my goal. I feel that dressing up as a thunder-thighed and bingo-winged version of the trim princess would be utterly ridiculous, too. Rather than skipping Halloween entirely, I will opt to wear this t-shirt with some black cat ears.

Image courtesy of I Can Has Cheezburger's Lolmart

After I ordered the shirt, it suddenly hit me of how ironic it was that now, as an adult, I wanted to dress up as a princess when it never occurred to me to be one as a child. It was at that point which I started to remember how as a kid I just didn't care what my body looked like. Even though, as a second-grader, it was obvious that I weighed a little more than what I should have for my age and height, I still had not developed the self-consciousness of my body that comes from aging, puberty and bullying. My kid self relished being "me" and knew exactly what she wanted to dress up as because when you're a kid, you ARE your costume.

And I wanted to be Catwoman!

Yes, you read that correctly: Catwoman! Why such a costume? Because my 8-year-old self had recently watched Batman Returns on video cassette with Dad and concluded that a vengeful Selina Kyle was that best thing to have graced Gotham's streets. Despite being a villain, she was a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and she wasn't going to let anyone, not her murderous boss, not a Danny Devito Penguin, heck, not even Michael Keaton's Batman, deter her from it. (Plus, the scene in which she plays "tic-tac-toe" with the thief's face is just freakin' awesome.)

My poor parents. They never knew what was coming to them.

I remind you of the time frame: 1995. This was prior to my family owning a computer and taking advantage of using AOL dial-up connections and ordering things on Amazon.com. Back in those days, if you wanted something, you had to drive in a car, go to a physical store and ask for a product. It couldn't just be done sitting on a chair in the comfort of your own home. I was asking for a costume that was roughly outdated by 3 years since the movie came out in 1992. I could only imagine the ordeal they went through to find that damn costume.

Alas, if it were only that simple. My poor mother had to contend with another factor:

One store eventually pulled through and I came home from school one day to try on my very own Catwoman costume. I remember that it felt like Christmas had come early that year.

It was very tight-fitting and the black ensemble went very well with my white sneakers and chubby tummy. It was painfully obvious that did not have the slim figure to actually look good in the disguise.

But you know what? I didn't care. I was Catwoman.

So, this Halloween, if you have kids come up to your door, give 'em the good chocolate. That's all they really want, anyway.

Barb the French Bean

Dear Miss Ha-Ha!

2011-10-09T21:21:00.004-04:00

Recently, I started something I like to call Dear Miss H. For those unaware, I decided about a few days ago to start an advice site, where I can give other people positive advice and not that "Oh forget him, he's a loser" advice that I hate so very much.

Being the type of person that likes to give advice and humor people at the same time, I decided to add a choice to my 'ask me' form, where the person asking me a question gets to tell me if they want a humorous response or serious advice.

Now as much as I love to humor others, I have been getting a lot of forms asking for me to give a humorous response. Thus, I started to think if I'll probably end up being called Dear Miss Ha-Ha instead of Dear Miss H.

Now wouldn't that be interesting...."Hi I'm Dear Miss Ha-Ha and I have a major in Psychology!" -_-

No wonder no one takes me seriously.

-Hanny the coffee bean

Btw: If any of you do have any questions or in need of advice, do consider visiting Dear Miss H

Pigs and Turds

2011-10-04T15:52:00.023-04:00

Earlier today, on my way home from work, I went into a trail of thoughts. As many probably know, I am single and have been for the past 2-3 months now. So unfortunately, my mind went into thought of the disgrace of a man I decided to date, but then I started to think about the blog and the way it was started.

When Barb and I decided to start Two Beans or Not Two Beans, we were both going through a heart break caused by despicable, immature, heartless men. It was a time that in some way was a major turning point in our lives; I struggled with my studies, while she struggled with the heartbreak of leaving France.

Though we both went through very painful events, I came to realize that if it were not for our simultaneous heart breaking experiences, Two Beans or Not Two Beans would have probably never existed.

What does this mean? it means I might have never had the opportunity to express my creativity or in any case cheer someone up who is stuck at work with a stick up their ass boss.

If my break-up would have never happened, I would have never gained the experience and the knowledge I obtained from Two Beans or Not Two Beans. I would have probably never discovered how many ideas could come from just a heart break and if I might just add I believe it also made me closer to Barb.

The reason I bring this up is because many a times a person does not realize why painful moments in our lives happen, but there is always a reason for it.

Right now, my current break up left me distressed because in all honesty I admired this man. I thought highly of this man and foremost I appreciated this man, but again there is always a reason for why things happen as they do.

As I kept thinking about this, I started to notice something. This break-up only motivates me to write. I have come up with several ideas; from writing a witty book that bashes the man-child, writing a play or sitcom based on my dramatic, yet quite comical love life to creating a site named 'Dear miss H' where any heart broken soul (or anyone in need of advice) can ask me for advice.

Now I know, I know- what makes me think I can give advice? trust me, I may not follow my own advice sometimes (which I should), but I tend to use my psychology background for my advises plus I might actually add a feature where you get to choose what kind of response you want: serious or humorous.

As for the witty book bashing all men-children, I think I've dated enough of those to know exactly what I'm talking about and the play/sitcom would be dying out loud hilarious, especially if its based on my love life- fo' sho.

Of course, my wounds are still there, but hell who knows maybe my life will turn out a lot like the movie 'Somethings Gotta Give' or so I hope.

Hanny the coffee bean

Just One of The Guys

2011-09-29T08:22:00.003-04:00

Being a female, who is usually found among a group of guys, I took interest in the movie 'Just One of The Guys' upon seeing the title on Netflix.

At first glance, I thought the movie would be somewhat like a story about always being the friend, but never the girlfriend situations, but it wasn't.

The movie focuses on a high school journalist girl, who is determined to win a summer internship at a local newspaper, but when her professor passes up her article in favor of a few others written by males, she is convinced that it was passed up because she is a girl. So in order to win her internship she goes undercover as one of the guys and spends a week at her rival school to re-submit her article. That is until she meets....Rick.

DUM DUM DUM!

Well as you can see, the girl falls in love. Not exactly what I expected, but for an 80's film, it was really damn good.

Of course, I was expecting other things like a kick ass girl, who hangs out with a lot of guys and blows things up.

Sort of like me! Okay, okay so I don't blow things up...anymore, but hell it would have been one hell of a movie to see some scary ass girl's hair on fire.

Hanny the coffee bean

(disclaimer: Picture is not mine, it is from amazon.com)

I Wish I Could Jet Away...

2011-09-28T12:41:00.000-04:00

I can hardly believe that it has been a year since I was on a plane heading back to France. (Post here.) This year, a return a Croissant-and-Baguetteland isn't going to happen.

Although Dijon and all of my friends, both French and teaching assistant, are far away from me, I know that, deep down, I will go back. I just need to get some things organized on my side of the Atlantic before that happens.

Until then, Happy France is Happy! I think I'll celebrate the good times by buying a camembert. Even a roquefort will do.

Barb the French Bean

How To Make Money...or Not

2011-09-26T12:22:00.000-04:00

I have come to the point in my life, where all my bills are attacking me. They have finally come at me like a stampede of animals trying to break through some barriers.

As stated in past posts, I am only just a student getting by with what I get paid. This is used in paying credit cards, rent, phone bill, groceries, and *cough*Netflix*cough*. I know it doesn't seem like a lot to pay, but then there is the usual car troubles or the usual trips to Miami to visit the family.

So in an attempt to make more money I came up with solutions that does not involve me getting a second job.

1. ~~Sell~~ "Donate" my brain to science

Just like some people ~~sell~~ "donate" their plasma for money, I should ~~sell~~ "donate" my brain to science. I would make millions off my brain! I mean who wouldn't want the brain of a left handed leap year born Latina short girl?! Of course the only down fall with this is that by the time I would give my brain to science, I wouldn't be alive to enjoy the money.

2. Stand on the corner

No, no, no...not selling my body, but rather just stand on the corner with a flashing neon sign saying "Throw money at me" and see if people will just throw money at me. The problem with this is that the prostitutes who own any of the corners of my choice might kill me.

3. Exterminate BIG RATS

By big rats...I don't mean literally a rat, if you get my drift. It would be perfect, I'll pretend to be exterminating pests, but the only pests to exterminate will be the ones with a bounty on their heads. Like that one movie called EXterminators.

4. Sell other people stuff on Ebay

I am not talking about dressing up as santa claus, breaking into houses and taking valuables to sell. I am talking about selling items that once belonged to cheating significant others. Have a cheating significant other? Have evidence? Then let me sell it! What better way to get money than to sell it online and the people who do allow me access to these items will get the satisfaction of revenge. (Just like the woman a few years ago...This is what happens to cheaters and mistresses)

5. Anyone want a guy?

That's right. I have a good amount of guy friends, all very handsome and cheap too. I'll start at 50 dollars. Of course, selling them will leave me kind of lonely and eventually it will start something...

6. Sell squirrels to the black market

Why not?

Eh. maybe I'll look for other ways to make money, where I won't get shot.

Hanny the coffee bean

Things I've Learned While Surviving Unemployment

2011-09-21T21:55:00.002-04:00

-The total number of hours I've spent walking in Miami probably equate to what I habitually accomplished during one week in Dijon.

-No other country makes burgers and milkshakes like we do.

- The former and latter factors of my new sedentary way of life are demonstrated quite visibly on my body (yeesh).

-Butters is decidedly my favorite of the South Park characters.

-The boredom that comes from being unemployed sucks.

-Seriously. It really, really sucks.

-I know I have a green thumb; it was just thwarted by the rain and scorching sun.

-So were my plants.

-I make awesome stuffed bell peppers and chocolate chip banana pancakes.

-Summer lasts far too long in South Florida.

-Miami happens to be a very dull city if all you can do for entertainment is eat at restaurants, shop at the mall and go out to nightclubs.

-This dullness is painfully obvious if your boyfriend* lives 5-hours away.

-All my creative energy has been zapped.

-Hula dancing is wicked fun. Plus, it's a good way to work out the abs.

Barb the French Bean

*Yes, I have a boyfriend now, and he's a really cool guy. Like, a really, really Cool Guy. The kind of really, really Cool Guy who opens doors for me, offers me a bouquet of flowers, talks to me one the phone for hours and makes me feel comfortable enough to bring out the now-dormant high school geek that I smothered under a layer of thick make-up once I started college. He shall be referred to as "Cool Guy" on this blog. Capisce?

Update: Since I am still bored, my creativity arose from the dead and decided to manifest itself into a cartoon.

Ladies and Gents, I present to you...The Boredom Monster!!!

This creature rises from the depths of fun and frivolity and feeds off whatever form of entertainment it can find. It sucks amusing jokes, walks in the park and cruising with friends right through its Q*bertlike snout.

Come to think of it, the Boredom Monster may also be a second cousin of the Purple People Eater. But twice-removed. The Purple People Eater was cool enough to have a catchy song written about him; the Boredom Monster would probably object to any fun songs and would just vacuum them right up the snout.

Okay, that is all.

Not Another Late Night Post

2011-09-12T02:56:00.008-04:00

The only thing worse than another late night post is waking up from a nightmare at 2am. Especially, when there is a long day ahead of you.

A few days ago, I found something rather interesting while in the ladies restroom and thought I should share the persuasive and random thoughts of a few ladies from my campus.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" -Eleanor Roosevelt

Whoever wrote this was thinking clearly, but being as it was found in a stall...Tells me that they might have been feeling inferior about pooing in public (at least that's my thought, even though that is probably not the case at all).

In this one, I read that the girl was talking about experiences. Honestly, it feels more like she is seeking advice from the random people that enter the stall.

Boobies and vagina are so much better and enjoyable than sucking a man's penis...

Well since I am straight, I cannot confirm this nor will I ever be able to. To me it sounds right out nasty and just reading this made me feel sick to my stomach.

Faith and logic are not mutually exclusive, rather people just ~~posess~~ posses other, neither, or both of them.

In the stall, I've noticed three things, people have very interesting thoughts, college students cannot spell to save their lives, and some of these girls have way too much time on their hands.

From just reading this, I feel this person might just be agnostic with a scientific outlook on things. Probably majoring in the sciences ( or is an exception).

It's interesting how it is now a tradition to write on this stall. Like I really have the time to write on it. Then again, I did have time to take pictures of the writings...

Eh, I had a huge break. Maybe, eventually I'll go back and leave my mark behind, but for now I should really go back to sleep.

Hanny the coffee bean

The Asshole Phenomenon

2011-09-07T20:34:00.002-04:00

The other day, I had posted a rather amusing Facebook status. As my friends commented on my status, one of them mentioned the asshole phenomenon.

The asshole phenomenon is when a guy (or girl) acts like an asshole and attracts women (or men) that believe they can change the so called asshole (well it's usually like that).

I will admit that this phenomenon does work on people and no matter how much I hate assholes, I have fallen prey to the asshole phenomenon...

(And have also used it).

What is it about the much hated assholes that lure nice, innocent people to them? Could it be their looks? cars? money?

The answer is NO.

It is all about the attitude that the asshole (or bitch) has towards others. Using a few movie trailers, I will demonstrate this so called attitude.

The Jerk Theory

I have not seen this movie at all, but the trailer explains it all.

As demonstrated in this trailer, the guy is a nice guy, but because he kept getting jerked around, he decides to put the "jerk theory" to the test. So he acts distant, treats the girls like crap, and tells them straight out how annoying they can be. His result? These women want him.

Of course there is that one girl, who will not tolerate the jerk because in fact she has dealt with many jerks before. So at some point we all either deal with them or date them.

Just Friends

This was a very good movie to watch. In the movie, the guy (who is chubby and goofy) has a crush on his best friend from high school, but she only sees him as a friend. Mocked by everyone in school, he runs away and about a few years later ends up going back to his hometown for Christmas.

The guy ends up being successful, charming, handsome and a womanizing ass. He charms his way with women and just uses them. Eventually he ends up seeing his old best friend crush and feelings resurface. Sure enough he ends up turning good just for her (because she wouldn't put up with jerks either).

Did being an ass work with other woman? Yes. He succeeded (just not with the main girl).

In both trailers, there is a nice guy who turns into a womanizing asshole over a girl and only changes when he realizes that the main girl will not allow it. What's not shown, however, is the attitude that attracts women to them. The attitude I'm talking about is confidence.

I'm aware that some nice guys have confidence, but those nice guys are the ones that are usually taken by lucky women. The other nice guys lack self confidence or the courage to pursue a girl. However, in the case of an asshole, he cares about himself so much that rejection is not in his vocabulary. He is confident that he can get any woman he wants.

The only problem with this is that the asshole cares so much about himself, that he could care less about the other person.

I should know, I've done it all before. Of course, I would be known as a bitch rather than an asshole, but the same rules seem to apply.

My Bitch Days

To understand the asshole phenomenon, I decided to use my days of being a bitch as an example.

The colder I was and the less I cared the more men wanted my attention.

I would use them and then dispose of them...

I even had a "friend" follow me into the girl's bathroom out of fear of losing me.

I didn't put any effort in my relationships.

I would argue with them for no reason (a way of pushing them away, I guess).

Everything had to be my way, no compromise and I had a set of rules men had to abide by.

I was nice some days and bad all the other days (Kind of like a push-pull method)

During my bitch days, I had men that wanted to change me, to be more open and less cold.

What changed?

As time passed, the person that tried so ardently to change me, and stuck around even when I was the biggest bitch imaginable became my first love.

I had fallen in love (plus I also matured).

It is not always like that, though. Mostly, a lot of the men I seem to know, only turn into assholes when they feel like they were shitted on in life and hurt by their first love. Not that many will have this reaction, but some take it hard.

This, however, does not mean that anyone should try to change an asshole (bitch) because at the end of the day it is up to them, if they want to change or not. Even then, people do not seem to understand this and trust me, it has taken me to learn the hard way that they can NOT be changed.

Some guys do use the asshole method to get women, but what men (and some women) do not realize is that it has nothing to do with being an asshole (though some do seem to like mistreatment), it is all about the attitude. It is about the confidence a man has about himself, the fact that he could care less about being rejected, and not only that, there is also that attitude that says "I AM THE MAN." (Plus, people seem to like changing others).

At least that is what I seem to like about assholes. If some nice guys adapted this confident attitude and balanced it out a bit more (not too nice, but not an asshole), they would have women liking them for them not because the women want to change the guy.

There are many reasons why the asshole phenomenon takes place, but explaining the reasons would take forever. Plus, I know I would explode into a million other topics and next thing you'll know I'll probably go back to talking about the man-child all over again.

- Hanny the coffee bean

Why Internet Hair Tutorials Aren't for Me

2011-09-06T13:31:00.001-04:00

I have a confession to make: I'm 24 years old and I don't know how to use a hair dryer efficiently. I handle my locks in a rather lackadaisical manner. I wash it, comb it out then let it dry naturally. Some days, I will even be classy and style my hair with Paul Mitchell hair mousse or a hair straightener.

But hair dryers? I haven't touched one in years.

Like any desperate person living in the 21st century who wishes to gain an ability that most normal functioning adults have mastered, I turned to internet video tutorials and was lured by the idea that I, too, can achieve gorgeous hair in a matter of minutes.

I click on the video to commence the instructions. The professor, often in the form of a perky, positive and energetic young woman, goes into a detailed explanation of the steps which have to be performed.

The enthusiasm rubs off. I believe the chipper voice that encourages me to coif my hair into a difficult 'do. I'd honestly like to confide that if I blow a sufficient continuous stream of hot air over my wet locks, it will inevitably result in gorgeous silky waves.

But I have to face reality: I am not dexterous enough to handle a hair dryer with a hair brush simultaneously. I forego the brush after it gets itself tangled three times. While extracting it, I succeed in yanking out enough hair strands to create a wig for a Barbie doll.

Even the most basic way of drying one's hair proves ineffective to me. That technique seems to function best for women who are blessed (or cursed) with naturally straight hair.

MY locks are quite wavy and therefore resist any attempts to tame them.

Still, I take my chances with the tutorial. It's at least worth a shot!

The result?

Yep. Looks just like the girl in the video. Yeeesh...

I can't go out looking like I've just been electrocuted. With some alcohol-induced courage, I ditch the videos and arm myself with the hair straightener and some hair spray.

Meh. I need some practice.

Barb the French Bean

The Fat Kid in Me

2011-09-01T00:05:00.004-04:00

Recently, I decided to start eating healthy due to my enormous gut, but as usual I am having trouble maintaining my eating habits.

FML. The story of my life.

Hanny the coffee bean

The Study of Regret

2011-08-31T10:54:00.020-04:00

We've all been there. That moment where you do something thinking it was the right thing to do, but after a few weeks, months, or a year realize that it was a bad choice and regret takes over. For some it only takes weeks, but for others it takes months.

I've witnessed this a million times not just from myself, but also with ex-lovers.

I know, I know I seem to bring them up quite often in posts, but with my experiences, I've become quite an expert.

Case #1 The First Idiot

(A face only a mother would love).

The first person I ever kissed and this idiot never gave me a reason for the break-up. I cry for a few months, lose weight and go back to school looking hot. The idiot wants to be friends, we "are" on my terms.....fast forward to like 5-6 years later, I add him on Facebook and randomly get a message from him telling me how very sorry he was for what he had done to me and yada yada yada...

Regret? Yes. He very much regretted what he had done to me and he also realized what he lost when he saw me looking hot during our school years.

Case #2 The Cheating Bastard

(I didn't know the circus was here!)

This must have been one of my most pathetic relationships yet. We lasted for a bit until I found out he was cheating (hence, the title). I confronted him and pushed him out of my life. About a month later I received a message from him saying how horrible and guilty he felt and yadda yadda yadda...

Regret? Yes. He felt so depressed about what he had done that he started to have a few psychological problems here and there...

Case #3 First Love Gone Bad

(This picture just says "I totally do not look like a rapist serial killer").

This man-child is by far one of the worst. My longest relationship...The first time he broke it off with me, he would not stop calling me, texting me, messaging me...made it all so hard to move on. Finally, he comes back, but he ends up breaking it off again.

Regret? The first time he regretted doing what he had done to me (proved it through messages, calls...etc.) The second time it is not for sure if he regrets it or not, but by the way he avoids me every time he sees me it looks like he is regretting it.

Case #4 The Kind Hearted Ass

(Ugh. No comment.)

This one is by far one of the most confusing relationships ever. This man clearly doesn't know what he wants (other than getting into my pants). This one was like dating two people at once. He was great and amazing one day and the next he would convert into an asshole. We would spend great days together and then he would somehow sabotage it by being an ass. Even though he was an asshole, I know he has a kind heart hidden somewhere... (and I don't say that about anyone...not even my past ex-boyfriends), but this one was more of an emotional issue with him.

Regret? Too recent to know of any regrets. The light bulb in his head will turn on and he will most probably realize how good he had it with me. However, he will most likely not admit it and if there is no regret? at least I learned something valuable.

People always have some regret whether it deals with another person or a choice made. True, we can learn from regret, but sometimes we just seem to make the same mistakes (just look at all four of my ex-boyfriends....and let me not get into the friends with benefits craziness).

Hanny the coffee bean

Bridezilla 2!!!

2011-08-29T13:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, the church bells rang for blogger extraordinaire Tricia over at Confessions of a Recovering Cynic.

I figured that, like any desperate bride, she had to battle the inner Bridezilla that was raging to escape.

My congratulations to her, hubby Mark and Gabby the kitty!

Mazel Tov,

Barb the French Bean

The Brain Anatomy of a Man-Child

2011-08-21T00:05:00.024-04:00

NOTE: Male readers, I am not calling anyone a man child, so no need to get offended. Take this as a debate if you must.

A few weeks ago, I experienced what I would like to call a ridiculous break-up. If you have been reading my posts from day one, then you probably already know that I have gone over the past year or so through two break-ups and a so called rebound. Not very proud of that.

When the break-up occurred, I was left distraught and felt like I was stuck in some vicious cycle. I blamed myself for hours, but in the end I came to the conclusion that it was absolutely NOT me.

I'll explain my conclusion in a later post, but for the past few days, my tiny brain developed an idea. What if I could write a comedy about my life? What if I could share all my bad experiences in a way that will make others laugh? Of course, bad experiences aren't a laughing matter, but it's better than being depressed, right?

So the idea of writing a book came to be. Though, I will be sharing some of my experiences here (like I always do). Hence, the title of this post.

The Brain Anatomy of a Man-Child.

I came up with this idea when I started to ponder upon what goes on in all of my exes heads and why is it that when they have someone good they let it go? and yes I do consider myself someone good (without trying to sound conceited). Then of course I realized that many of them have all been a Man-Child.

The Man-Child as defined by Urban Dictionary is

1) a grown man who is very immature, therefore considered a man child.

2) A man by age but a child in mentality and actions. Can't have fun without a beer; oftentimes brews his own beer. Still relate to women as sex objects (even in their marriage) and are emotionally undeveloped (e.g., fight for their rights mentality even if there is nothing worth fighting; rarely takes responsibility for own failings). A general irritant to women and men that have matured.

3)A full grown man, over the age of 20, who still needs to be supported financially or emotionally by his parents. May or may not live at home with parents, but needs consistent reassuring. Is unable to have healthy relationships with women because of childish behavior, but is in desperate need of someone. May or maynot be a fanboy or gamer.

Keep in mind, you can't believe everything Urban Dictionary says, especially when it comes to my name, but this all sounds about right.

Now that a Man-Child has been defined, I think it is time to look at the brain anatomy of a Man-Child.

Let me just say that this is NOT referring to a man, but a Man-Child.

The Man-Child brain:

Sex (all the fun none of the responsibilities): Everyone thinks about sex (yes, even women), but what makes the man-child so different from a man is that the man-child could care less about the other person. The man-child likes one night stands and easy women. If the man-child is in a relationship, he will not give anything to the other person except a late night call to see if he can have his way with his so called "partner." A man at least puts the effort (calling everyday, flowers here and there, supporting the other person, holding hands, etc...) not the man-child. Sometimes the man-child will also try to pressure his "partner" to give in to him.

Video games, beer, strippers, and porn: No there is nothing wrong with anything I just listed in the category, but when it comes to the man-child, these are the only things he really cares about. Rather than making a future for himself or giving his life some sort of purpose (like using his hidden talents), he rather spend day in and day out sitting in front of his computer obsessing over porn, sitting in front of the tv playing video games all the time, sitting in front of the tv with a good beer in hand or sitting in front of strippers. A man will like these things too, but it isn't his priority.

Lies, lies and the usual cover ups: Everyone lies once in a while, but the man-child will bull shit alot. The man-child will give you a bunch of useless information trying to show his intelligence, but manipulates this situation to add something that isn't real. The man-child will also tell stories and if the stories do not make sense, you know it's a lie of some sort.

Emotional insecurity: The man-child is full of insecurities, but emotional insecurities is one that comes to light. Everyone gets hurt emotionally at some point and we tend to grow from it, but a man-child will hold on to the past hurts and does not let go or move on from it. Therefore, every relationship that he has with women is an unhealthy, self destructive, and selfish relationship. The man-child is also stubborn enough to not admit when he is wrong in certain situations. This also applies to whenever something goes wrong in his life, he takes these things as attacks rather than to have patience and deal with it like mature men do.

Future: The man-child's future is displayed as being one of the smallest in the brain along with a healthy relationship with a woman and intelligence. The man-child is intelligent, but because his priority's are other destructive things, the man-child cannot put his natural skills and talents to good use, which leads him to self-pity (self-loathe as well) and depression. Thus causing him to experience a lack of healthy relationships and a none ending vicious cycle (unless he offs himself or grows five other pairs of balls).

There is so much more to a Man-Child, but it would take a weeks worth of writing to explain this complicated type of man. Just know not all men are alike, just the ones in the man-child category.

Hanny the coffee bean

Why Good Beer Should Never Be Wasted

2011-08-18T18:47:00.003-04:00

As based on a true story.

Let me answer that question: EWWWWWWW!!!

Barb the French Bean

Twilight Saturday

2011-08-16T12:20:00.001-04:00

I have come to the conclusion that I...am jinxed. Every week something has to just go wrong or worse turn into another episode of The Twilight Zone (no not the one with the shiny vampires). A few weeks back, I thought it would finally be a normal week for me, but I guess entering the "Twilight Zone" is now an every week thing in my life.

Saturday was supposed to be just another day where I would go to work, come home, chat with the roommates and figure out what to do...Well I got that wrong.

When I went to work, my managers had told me that I would be working in the men's department instead of my usual kid's department. If I haven't mentioned it before I work at a really AWESOME store called I don't want paparazzi's so I'm not telling you.

As usual, I went to get my lunch at the food court because I tend to forget my lunch. So I ended up getting a nice, delicious wrap from Chicken NOW.

Five minutes into my wrap and there it was the hideous little critter hiding in my food, but what's this...it wasn't just one....but TWO (not shown in picture).

After throwing away the disgusting wrap, I went back to work to a department full of people. Since it was raining outside, people had swarmed into the store like bees in a hive. By the time I clocked out of work, it was still raining.

I finally ended up going home and sat right in front of the computer, but as I sat there alone I started to hear noises. Pounding, scratching, voices...I thought I was going insane so I took off with my computer and went to Starbucks.

I sat down at one of the Starbucks table and wondered what my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) was doing. I tried to concentrate on what I was doing, but the more I just thought of the boyfriend, the more I had realized that I was becoming a bit crazy over him. To ease my thoughts, I went back home to see if my roommates were home.

I walked through the door and I heard someone screaming, I went outside to see if my roommate's car was there, but there was no roommates car. I left the apartment before the screaming people would come out to get me.

I was headed for the computer lab, but before i could get into the room, I had a group of guys hitting on me.

"Hey. Hey girlllllll, why aren't you talking to me?"

"Hi..." "Come talk to me. You know you want to."

"...."

"I can be your transformer!"

That was the last thing I heard before I got into the room.

Eventually, I went back home to find my roommates there and found out that the screaming was coming from my roommates room, who was watching a horror movie. Only I would think they were real.

Welcome to my crazy world....

Hanny the Coffee Bean

BRIDEZILLA!!!

2011-07-23T15:34:00.000-04:00

Lately, every time I have read the term "Bridezilla," this image inevitably crops into my head:

My congratulations to blogger and former Teaching Assistant extraordinaire over at Neenuh Francey-Pants and Her Dude on today's nuptials! May you never encounter a Tokyo-cake ever again...

Gros Bisous,

Barb the French Bean

A Failure of a Rescue

2011-07-06T15:55:00.001-04:00

My morning habit is to weigh myself. When I moved my scale, I discovered that the tiniest lizard had sought refuge under the shade of said contraption.

During the rainy season months in South Florida, I've often been the one responsible to sweep up the cadavers of anole lizards in my room. I even wondered if the one I had found was even alive so I gently blew on it to see if it would react. It moved a bit to escape the sudden breeze.

I decided to save its life before it met an unpleasant end in its unfamiliar surroundings.

I scooped it up with a sturdy postcard and set it outside so it could live peacefully in its natural environment.

Once we were on solid ground, the little lizard blinked into the sunlight. It raised its little head and gazed at me in a manner which said that it was grateful to have made its way outside. I was feeling quite self-satisfied and smug after having rescued a member of lizard-kind.

Unfortunately, my arch-nemesis, Nature, had other plans.

In just mere seconds after I had set down the little lizard, Nature decided to send out one of its goons to handle its evil bidding. That came in the form of much larger lizard that swooped down upon its prey, effortlessly picked it up by the neck and then mercilessly snapped it in front of me.

If lizards are capable of mindlessly fighting each other for what seems to be a question of territory, what chance do humans have in helping each other if animals can't even achieve this?

Lesson in Darwinism learned: don't count on being too nice because somebody else is bound to come along and mess it all up.

Barb the French Bean

Coffee and French Bean's Car Search Quest

2011-06-20T19:55:00.001-04:00

Readers of Two Beans or Not Two Beans are probably unaware that almost two weeks ago, our blog came very, very close to becoming one Bean short.

Coffee Bean was involved in a car accident. Although she came out rather unscathed, the same cannot be said for her car...which is why she is now on an impossible quest to find an automatic car for under $4,000.

Following a brief weekend in humidity-and-mosquito ridden Miami, she and French Bean drove back to Orlando. The two Beans could have fun hanging out with each other while French Bean temporarily escaped from the grand highlight of McDonald's cheeseburger specials while she met and discovered new people. It was a win-win situation!

Amidst all the partying and beer-drinking, Coffee Bean also had to face the reality that her rental car wasn't going to be hers forever and that she needed a reliable mode of transportation. After doing some internet research and jotting down locations, the Two Beans went off to find THE dream car.

(The names of various car dealerships have been altered to protect their identities.)

Car Dealership #1: Lemons Fo' U

The Two Beans came across this world-class vendor by chance. While on the quest for a different dealership, they spotted Lemons Fo' U located adjacent to the other place. The wooden, hand-written sign announcing the property could not be missed, nor could the metal, barbed-wire fence protecting the vehicular commodities. The owner of Lemons Fo' U made his appearance when he exited his work station of a minuscule hut and approached his clients by walking on a graveled pavement.

The proprietor of said establishment was a well-dressed urbane gentleman sporting a white, sweat-stained wife beater and had a respectable mane of long, flowing dreadlocks. As a sign of his financial success, he had teeth which glistened a golden sheen in the 100 degree F sunlight.

Yes, indeed. Coffee Bean had certainly declared the sum to be $4,000.

The proprietor thought for a moment until he pointed to one of his many exemplary vehicular beauties. After a few seconds of glancing around the place, the Two Beans realized something: the cars which were available were indeed far too nice to be sold for fewer than $4,000. A nearly brand-new red Chevy Malibu?

A revelation came upon them. These cars were probably stolen.

Ergo, the Two Beans did what any sensible car-buying client would have done: they assured their salesman with a diplomatic "we'll come back."

(That translates to "fat chance you'll ever see us again, bub." )

Car Dealership #2: Cheap Korean Kars!

The next location on Coffee Bean's list required the use of Tomtom, the GPS navigator. Once the address was entered into the device, Coffee Bean followed the instructions in a figuratively-blindfolded sense. If Tomtom said to turn left, the car went left. If Tomtom told the car to go straight, it went straight. If Tomtom said to drive to the closest Cartier shop and rob the store at gunpoint...the Two Beans would have probably obeyed him.

Instead, Tomtom let the girls know they had achieved their goal.

Funny thing is that they hadn't. There was absolutely no sign of Cheap Korean Kars! Yes, there was a complex of townhouses on one side of the street and there was a Nissan and even Honda dealership on the other side, but no Cheap Korean Kars!

But Tomtom steadfastly insisted that they had reached their destination. Could Cheap Korean Kars! have been an invisible dealership? Who knows...

Car Dealership #3: Worldly Cars

The Two Beans decided to give Tomtom a second chance by navigating them in the direction of Downtown Orlando. With a promising title like Worldly Cars, the Beans thought that they were going to encounter a car dealership paradise which sold even the odd flying unicorn.

Instead, Tomtom guided them to the wrong part of town.

The really, really wrong part of town.

The one complete with menacing individuals congregating under a bridge.

It became quite obvious to the Two Beans that their quest to find a nice car for under $4,000 was leading to them to a life or death situation.

They called it quits for the day and headed home.

No wonder they couldn't find the damn place.

French Bean and Coffee Bean

Dear Universe: You Have GOT to be Shitting Me...

2011-06-13T14:38:00.001-04:00

Dear Universe:

As you may very well know, I am currently stuck in the four walls of my Miami bedroom.

While I am ecstatic to be surrounded by my loved ones again (and not be paying a cent for rent), I am sorely beginning to miss the independence and access to mobility that I once had merely two weeks ago in Europe. This change from being a carefree and daring young woman to now wondering what the hell will become of my life has been a drastic one.

Universe, I only wish to be able to at least move around without having to rely on my car. Is that really so much to ask for?

I already know the answer to my question: in Miami, yes, it is.

Do you know what it is like for me to have spent living nearly two years in Dijon, a city in which I had access to lush parks, a fresh market, art and archaeological museums and a train station, all no more than a 25 to 45-minute walk from my house?

Universe, what is it that you have provided for me in my native Miami? Do you know that the closest attraction to me is...a McDonald's? Seriously? With these conditions, the highlight of my life is to wait until Wednesday and Sunday to walk 15 minutes to Mickey-D's to take advantage of their 39 cent hamburgers and 49 cent cheeseburger specials. Nope. I don't see anything messed up with this. At all.

Oh, and to make matters irk me a bit more: my laptop doesn't want to cooperate and detect the ethernet cable. This means that I must resort to using my Grandpa Computer which is incapable of letting me load photographs from my various trips around France and Spain.

Now, I should probably stop bitching and take advantage of the fact that I live in humidity-and-mosquito ridden Miami. I obviously can't rely on this city to fulfill my cultural and artistic needs. My options are limited to shopping in the malls (for which I would need a car) and swimming in the beach (which also requires me to drive to). I guess that I might as well stay home and watch the local basketball team win a championsh--

Oh, what's that? The Heat lost?

Meh. I never watched them play a match anyway...

Universe, I guess what I am trying to say is...if I have to remain in this town for a very, very long time, I might just be driven to the point of blasting my brains out. My life is not meant to be here, and you know that.

Barb the French Bean

One Year Bloggiversary!

2011-06-08T13:43:00.000-04:00

We can hardly believe how much has happened in this past year, or how quickly time seems to pass on by.

Well, rather than looking back, all we can do at this point is to look forward and continue with our adventures!

We here at Two Beans or Not Two Beans certainly couldn't have reached the one-year bloggiversary without our readers! It really means a lot to us to know that there are people out there who read our crap writings.

Here's to many, many more years to come!

French Bean and Coffee Bean

Last Morning in Mustard-Town

2011-06-03T02:54:00.000-04:00

Welp. This is it.

Today is the day that I shall leave my cherished France. My chapter of "Barb the Care-freeTeaching Assistant" has come to a close...

After two years of enjoying the Dijonnaise life, I will soon find myself dragging a 30 kilo suitcase around Parisien train stations to catch a flight in Orly. However, rather than it being a direct flight to Miami, I shall experience what it is like to sleep overnight at a Berlin airport. I should be on firm, below-sea-level American soil by Saturday around 3 p.m. EST.

In the past couple of days, I've really been reconsidering my goal in life and have been asking myself "what do I really love to do?"

Apart from writing, drawing and singing, I also love to cook. I especially adore baking cakes and cookies. My French friends know this, too.

At a dinner this Tuesday, by dear friend Florence told me the steps to make a pastry shell and gave me this:

"It's my first pie pan. I bought it before I had even met my husband. I want you to have it and to send me pictures of all your quiches and tartes."

I have been so touched by her gesture. Food truly has a way of connecting people to each other.

It goes without saying that I will deeply miss French food. My solution is to try to make some once I'm back in the States. Who knows? Maybe my baking will be my next big venture.

Anyway, I've got to run. I'd like to bid my Dried Fruit Lady an "until next time" while the market is still open.

Barb the French Bean.

A Tribute to an Early Monday Morning in Mustard-Town

2011-05-30T01:58:00.003-04:00

Chère Dijon:

I sit this morning on my bed and feel quite numb. I am still trying to come to terms with the reality that I will have to leave you once again in a matter of days. I begin my task of sorting documents with half-hearted interest, deciding which papers are far too important to simply cast aside in a recycling bin.

The original copy of my work contract? Keep it.

Pay stubs? Keep them.

Older editions of newspapers that caught my interest? Place one in the pile, toss the others on the floor. The floor shall be my temporary garbage can.

I open some folders that have holding more documents hostage. I know that they have to be emptied. I come across my OFII and MGEN papers. I need to sort those as well.

Keep. Keep. Toss. Keep. Toss. Toss. Toss.

I soon have five piles of paper resting on my bed. Original documents, pay stubs, CAF, OFII/MGEN and second thoughts.

Second thoughts? Why would I need to give trash a second thought?

Why can't I just throw away the violet Teaching Assistant handbook that was given to me back in October? What about the letter that joyfully welcomed me to a new job? Train tickets and city maps that remind me of all the places I've been to? The stubs to the shows and events that I've attended?

In some manner, I just feel that it is unfair to throw those away. Perhaps its some desperate way for me to deny that the past is behind me and that's how it should be. Perhaps I just wish to live a little longer in my sheltered reverie of being an independant young woman in France. Perhaps I just can't come to grips with the fact that I really am going to leave...

In my messy room, I try to repress angry thoughts of packing two years' worth of belongings into one suitcase. My scarves, my dresses, my shoes, my music, my books...

My books! What will become of them? I cannot possibly take them all with me. They alone weigh 17,8 kilos. That's 39 pounds. I'll have to leave some behind. I can't go on with them. This is starting to resemble more like a shipwreck than a move. I won't have enough weight left in my suitcase to bring back a couple of bottles of wine or chocolate.

I feel a sudden sting burn in the back of my eyes and my throat starts to dry out. I've experienced this before.

No. I refuse to cry. I can't cave in now. I can't start crying now.

I need a brief distraction. I gaze out my window and just stare at your lovely blue skies and feel a crisp breeze seep into my home. The sunlight kisses each emerald leaf on the cherry tree and I see its crimson fruit dotting the steady branches. It just stuns me to think that just a few months before, there was a blanket of freshly-fallen snow covering this tree's naked frame. The view from my window has altered so much within two years. The insouciant chirp of a bird echoes in the silence. Summer will soon be here.

Dijon, for the past two years, you welcomed me and tolerated the burgeoning French wannabe that I am at heart.

Thanks to you, I have had a taste of what an idealized adult-life should be. I had a job teaching some rowdy good-humored teenagers and worked alongside some of the most wonderful and kind-hearted teachers. I've met the most amazing group of teaching assistants that Burgundy has possibly ever had. The friends I've made...

I did not wish to say good-bye to any of them, nor do I wish to bid you farewell.

"Don't worry. You'll be back eventually. You are meant to be here," so said my friend Florence.

A part of me truly believes her. That gut-feeling part.

Dijon, je t'aime. The distance can't diminish the fervent love I have for you. I'll eventually come back to you.

But, right now, I need to keep sorting my documents. Toss, keep, keep, toss, keep.

Barb the French Bean

B-B-B-Boooooyfriiiiieeend?!

2011-05-17T12:17:00.003-04:00

I can't bring myself to saying it, I am still in shock as to what I got myself into. It happened rather quick and unexpectedly. Since last Wednesday, I became someones girlfriend.

That's right, I said G-I-R-L-F-R-I-E-N-D. The very word I have to spell out because I am still in shock that I now have that title.

Anyone in my position would feel happy to be in such a great relationship, but for some odd reason, I am having trouble accepting it. Sure, I was hoping for the day we would be "official," but the very word boyfriend sounds weird to me.

Perhaps, it is the fact that I have been single for about a year now or maybe because it feels "too good to be true."

Maybe it's because it is just recent or most likely it could be the fact that I had gotten so used to bashing my ex-boyfriend, crushing on random boobahs, or getting hit on by a creeper. Either way, I still can't bring myself to saying the damned word without stuttering.

Hopefully with time, it will get better.

Hanny the coffee bean

Broke-Ass Broke

2011-05-16T15:17:00.000-04:00

Okay. What's the last thing that you should be doing when you are broke-ass broke? Spend what little money you have left in your dirty clutches.

Yeah, well screw that. I'm a strong believer that the world should be explored when you are young-ish and carefree, so that is why this broke-ass broke girl is currently blogging from Murcia, Spain. I needed a real vacation before my eventual return to Miami.

Of course, my mean of transportation involved a 20-hour bus ride from Dijon, France to Alicante, Spain. Perhaps hitch hiking shall be my next endeavour into broke-ass broke travelling. Meanwhile, I'm going to see if I can catch some rays and eat some more chicken paëlla, because that stuff is just AWESOME.

Barb el frijol frances

Let's Get Physical...

2011-05-10T14:52:00.001-04:00

Forever in my dutiful quest to ~~finally obtain Shakira-hotness~~ shed those pesky and stagnant 30-something pounds off my frame, I decided to engage in something that I have despised since I was an obese 8 year-old in P.E. class: running.

I can't express how much I hate running. I loathe it. I abhor it. Running brings back not-so-fond memories of how I was always mocked for being the last one finishing a lap, huffing and puffing in a pathetic fashion. If running were a person, I would rejoice when it kicked the bucket and I would immediately rush over to the cemetery to dance on its grave.

If I were given the choice to walk for 4 hours or just run continuously for 30 minutes straight, I would choose the walking in a heartbeat. Not only would I burn off more calories, I would be neither out of breath nor as exhausted at the end.

And yet running for 30 minutes straight is exactly what I am striving to achieve.

I recently came across something called the "Couch to 5K" program and decided that a lazy bum such as myself should give it a shot. However, before I immersed myself with progressively getting in touch with my inner Usain Bolt, I deemed it absolutely crucial to purchase a pair of exercise earbuds and download a few Glee song re-makes into my MP3.

(Yes. Thanks to France's W9 channel, I have finally caved in and become a bonafide Gleek and in French, no less. Am I the only one with a crush on Artie?)

So, I dug out some exercise clothes. With my navy blue jacket and exercise pants, I looked as if I were sporting a cheap version of the Marseillais-style of Adidas track suits and Nike running shoes. All I needed was some obscure American baseball team cap and an Olympique Marseille scarf to complete the look.

Week One of the program is the starter phase in which for the first 3 days, I would alternate between running for 60 seconds and then walking briskly for 90 seconds. I naively thought that it would be a piece of cake. Not a literal piece because, obviously, that would be counterproductive to my goals.

In this first week, I've already encountered uncooperative technology...

...extraneous noises...

...and, naturally, the actual arduous task of training my woefully unfit body.

To think that was only the first week. Here's hoping that week 2 will be better for me!

Barb the French Bean

The Story of a Striped Skirt

2011-05-05T09:51:00.002-04:00

Once upon a time, based on a true story and as adapted from real life, a woman in her early twenties spotted a multi-colored striped skirt in her favorite store.

From the moment she laid eyes on it, she was immediately enraptured by its bold and stark design.

It was a true coup de coeur, this striped skirt, the kind that rendered the young woman into a state of hypnotized euphoria. Combined with its fairly reasonable price and the fact that it was only one left of its kind, the striped skirt was bought in a heartbeat.

However, things were not 100% pleasant between the two. There were a couple of hitches with this potentially budding relationship, specifically the young woman's lower paunch and jumbo thighs. Truth be told, the skirt looked rather unflattering as its intended function. It fit far too tightly around the young woman's mid-section and gave the impression that she was a tightly-strung ham trying far too hard to look hot.

The young woman was crafty enough to sport the garment as a top.

Yet she was not ready to give up on the skirt. In order to make the relationship work, drastic changes had to be made.

One month later, the young woman left for France. In this country, her daily habits dramatically changed by incorporating more exercise and consuming less and healthier food. Though it was not evident to her on a daily basis, her body was certainly making a turn for the better...even if the number on the scale stalled for nearly 3 months.

Several months later, on a warm and sunny spring day, the young woman searched around her closet for something to wear.

All of a sudden, for some inexplicable reason, the skirt called out to her.

So they had. So they had indeed.

Exuberant with the discovery, the young woman ventured out into the French city with her trademark cherry red lipstick and black heels.

At the bus stop, a gallant young man drove up next to her and shouted a cheerful "bonjour!"

"This is new," thought the young woman. "I normally don't draw any attention like this." With slight apprehension, the young woman granted the young man a bonjour and hoped that he would leave her be.

"How are you doing?" he asked, flashing a hungry smile. The young woman suddenly had the impression that the gallant man wasn't really so gallant after all. There was an unbecoming gleam in his eyes and he looked like he would start salivating in a few seconds. Perhaps she had been fooled and the skirt still made her look like a ham after all...

"I'm fine. Au revoir."

"Rôôôô, allez, come on and talk to me. You are a really pretty woman!"

The young woman stared in silence. He probably thinks that I'm a prostitute. I hardly can blame him.

"Au revoir," she repeated with command.

"Are you French?"

Silence.

"Oh, all right. I promise I'll leave you soon. What are your origins?"

"I am American."

"Oh, yeaaaaaaah," shouted the impressed young man with a mock American pronunciation.

"And now you will leave. Au revoir."

Barb the French Bean

Happy Early Mumsy Day and Hello Tissue Box

2011-05-03T20:41:00.002-04:00

As everyone might be aware, Prince William got married! This has taken quite a toll on me.

To believe that my beloved future (not so future anymore) husband got married to another woman, is causing me to have some very odd withdrawals and eating habits.

This is the one crush I've had since high school. Of course, he had hair back then and he was thinner back then, but he still has the same face...

(Not Prince William...Obviously)

Either way, when I saw him standing next to the bitch who stole my man, I cried...and...cried.

I shouldn't have cried so much seeing as I didn't have my tissue box around...crap I should have been prepared, but am I ever?

Which brings me to my next issue.

I need a mother's day present! I have no idea what to get my mother, I mean she's not the jewelry type and her eye sight is so bad she can't read books anymore (at least not with tiny font). In the past I have given her with spa certificates, creams, cards, dinner, ipod, purses, gift cards, and sweets.

Why are women so hard to shop for? I rather buy someone a pS3 or a nice watch from fossil rather than to figure out what to buy my mother. Usually, she will tell me not to get her anything, but for her hard efforts and for giving birth to me, it is my mission to always get her something.

I even tried to put myself in the place of my mother and as a result, I come to realize that if I were a mother myself, I would like to get a ps3 or whatever system is out when I am a mother. If the child happens to be young and jobless, then I would probably want my child to kick and scream to daddy that he/she wants to go to Hawaii (taking me along...of course).

So of course my mindset is not helping me find the best gift for my mother...

If anyone has any ideas, help?

Hanny the coffee bean

Frizzy-Frizz-Frizz

2011-04-28T06:13:00.001-04:00

It is a fact that people are never satisfied with what they have. I am certainly no exception to this rule.

This post has NOTHING to do with my weight, nor will it mention the state of my clothes.

People, can we talk? How many of you wish to have different hair?

I'm not talking about a hairstyle. I mean the actual strands that are attached to your scalp. Do you have straight silky hair that can never hold a curl in place? Does your wavy coiffure suffer from arthritis and fringe the second it senses that a thunderstorm is a-comin'?

Thanks to many previous generations involving mixing cultures and races, I am blessed with having to continuously provide financial support to Paul Mitchell hair mousse and Biosilk. If I don't spend hours trying to uncoil what I should just unconditionally embrace, then I will be left with a literal hair-raising experience every time the moisture level increases by 2% to make me look as if I had just been struck by lightning.

On Tuesday, I placed my locks into the safety of a Dijonnaise hairstylist and carefully described what I expected as the outcome.

A few snippety-snips and a glance in the mirror later, I ended up having a huge sense of satisfaction with how my hair perfectly glistened with a slight sheen.

Ha-ha! Take that, Humidity!

But I should have known better than to become overly-confident my temporary victory. Almost as a way to teach me a lesson in humility, the skies in Dijon turned against me (and my hair) and allowed rain to fall down on me.

Eeeeee...yeaaaaaaah.

There will be no escape from the frizz for me. Not unless I undergo drastic chemical treatments. One of my roomies got so fed up with how flatly her hair is that she got a perm. I'm far too much of a scaredy cat to even consider getting a "Brazilian" treatment.

I should just be content that I am at least not bald.

Barb the French Bean

Happy Easter, Y'all

2011-04-24T17:51:00.001-04:00

This year, thanks to a courtesy care-package that Mom lovingly sent from the good ol' U.S. of A., I celebrated by decapitating marshmallow bunnies with my teeth (images far too gory for this blog).

The marshmallow bunny massacre continued by drowning them in a sea of molten hot chocolate.

No one can help you, Marshmallow Bunny. NO ONE.

So, how do you deal with Resurrection Day?

Barb the French Bean