Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Disturbing Searches That Happen When You Have a Fairly Innocent Blog

Warning: Due to the nature of the subject matter, this blog post contains strong language.

I have come to the conclusion that this little blog of ours attracts some rather bizarre search results. While most searches are benign and have often made me laugh despite the improper use of the Apostrophe S--

--there have been moments in which the words that led people to this blog have made me scratch my head. Or have genuinely disturbed me.

Or experience an uncomfortable combination of both.

Ever since I wrote my Having Big Boobs Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be post, it should have been a no-brainer that it would garner the attention of horny teenagers who don't know how to spell if their lives depended on it.

"A Woman takeing her bra and shirt off shoing her tits with no things what seeing the tits wih out a bras or shirts in the wayrt."

God, that was painful to type. How terrible does your English have to be to even HAVE that as a search result in the first place? (The fact that said anonymous teenager heralded from the U.K. makes me want to weep for Britain and for the English language.)

Perhaps I am being unfair in assuming that only horny teens in the U.K. are guilty of this. In one instance, the blog was even graced by a Canadian woman. Well, based on the question asked, I'm assuming that it was a woman...

"do I need big boobs to be a playboy bunny?"

Answer: I'm not an expert on the matter, but I would assume that having large bazongas would be a pre-requisite to even be welcomed into Hugh Hefner's empire.

Oh, and speaking of Hugh...

...I'm going to need some mental bleach after reading that.

That certainly isn't the end of the boob-related searches, folks.

I don't know which is worse: the prospect of not having any coffee, or the fact that "jugs" was misspelled. 

To my knowledge, this blog is in no way, shape or form a purveyor of pornography, but what would a key word search be without the occasional desire to see male genitalia engaged in sexual acts?

Or, indeed, a photo of two corpses?

I also care to point out that this blog may have been encountered by a pedophile, and that makes me seriously question how on Earth they would have arrived on this blog in the first place.

No. Just...NO, dammit.

It's not always themes of a sexual nature that disturb me. There have also been instances involving murderous intentions and death.

You want advice on the matter? Call me crazy, but I think that there is no need to go biblical on your kids. The best you can do to punish is to not purchase the latest iPhone model for them. Trust me, that deprivation will feel like death to them.

Amid the rather distasteful searches, I am happy to report that not all of them have been negative. Even if the stringent grammarian in me couldn't help but wish that each word had been spaced properly and that the nouns had been capitalized, I admit that I felt giddy after seeing this:

Someone found the blog by searching for "barbthefrenchbean!" That's me! Someone fed my pig-headed ego by actually looking for little old moi!

And what the hell is a "necktie boob"? I'd do a Google search on the matter, but I only feel that it's a case akin to curiosity killing the cat, à la Lemon Party and Blue Waffle.


So, in short, I want to see more of this:

And this:

(Click here for the Zelda-related post.)

And less of the creepy searches that make me lose sleep and faith in humanity.

Barb the French Bean


  1. Thanks for sharing this. It gave me a good laugh. And you're right to be disturbed by some of those keywords. I wouldn't like knowing a pedophile could stumble across my blog that way either.

  2. Great posting and also for the laugh. I found the keyword search during the A-Z postings and was amazed at mine also. Curious, I typed those into google just to see, mine didn't come up. Your searches were way funnier. I think the funniest one I saw for April was camel toe girl. :)

  3. I've seen Lemon Party AND Blue Waffle. Just. No. I'm guessing that necktie boob is when a girl is wearing nothing but a necktie and it goes down in her boobs and now by typing this I'm just making it so that more people get sent here for typing that. To be fair the fedex guy post did get close to that nature. Everyone else's posts about searches that lead to their blog make me sad because no one finds my blog with weird and disturbing search terms. Though it is great that someone searched deliberately for you :) I will join you in weeping for the English language though. Even we're butchering it now.

  4. Due to the subject of my blog, the searches I end up are horrendous although I don't deal with any type of nasty stuff at all. You'd never know it by looking at my search keywords. I feel the need to shower the germs off every time I check, yet I can't help myself.

    And now, I'm fighting the strong urge to look up necktie boob....don't know if I will win this battle =)

    Great post!

  5. People are sick. It makes me nervous that they walk around with us. I once had "I think he ripped my ass" on mine. Mind bleach, yes. Hilarious post, as always!!

  6. I loved this post! People are strange, that's for sure.

    Thanks for the laugh! :)

  7. Whoa! Uh, is it legal to know this stuff? LOL. It's hilarious though

  8. First Nellie and now you! I'm so jealous that everyone gets such weird and interesting searches. Not. This was a very impressive collection and make a great post lol....

    (Bozo - I changed my name)

  9. Google has sent some pretty strange searches to my site as well. That on from the UK though, looks surprisingly similar to a drunk text that i may have set to my wife on one occasion.

  10. Someone once searched for my address and telephone number. No idea if the person ever found it. So far, I have received no severed heads in the mail.

  11. I want to see this "All About The Cookie Cartoon"!

    But yeah, I get some really disturbing searches directing people to my Blog. Many involve paedophilia, which I'm not too crazy about.

  12. I'm going to have to step up my game, I guess. It's been awhile since I had any noteworthy search results.
    I'm jealous.

  13. How do you find out what search terms find you? Am I missing something here?

    I like the idea that your blog is a magnet for the compass of pervy people. That's something to be proud of!

  14. My main search besides my name is "OK" because I used an image called OK once. :)

  15. LOL there are some very strange people in this world...

  16. I'm feeling a slight urge to search for those things you told me not to. Damn you, reverse psychology!!

  17. Bah, well I don't get too many strange searches to my blog. However, there are a few that also question my faith in humanity. Anyway, the search that leads most people to my blog is, "girl with the dragon tattoo rape scene" since I wrote a blog about how distrubing the movie was for my girlfriend and I. Should've know that would attract perverts.

  18. I love these posts. They amuse me to no end. Now I want to go see what necktie boobs are. I think I need to purchase some for my friends.

  19. I'm sure I don't want to know what insanity leads people to my blog.

  20. This is so funny. HOnestly, I haven't gotten any sex hits on my blog. I do have some really funny random search terms though. I haven't put up a funny search terms post in ages...maybe it's time.

  21. I love, love, love reading what brought people to their blogs. Ours are wildly sexual as well, and as we've said before, we're the number one google result for 12 year old girl in booty shorts. AWESOME.

    BTW, penis size has nothing to do with whether you're an asshole or not. I'm not small, and I'm the biggest asshole I know.

  22. Next time you say, don't look this up, I'll listen.
    Hubby's laughing, but I'm scarred for life. *Sigh*

  23. I just wonder why the honey teenager from England felt he had to write such a long search request when he could have just typed boobs and got more image results then he would have known what to do with.

  24. This is brilliant. Except not so much about the paedophile. I bet my search terms wouldn't be as interesting.

    I nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger award. You thoroughly deserve it! Details at my blog. :)

  25. That is hilarious! You get some crazy long tail key words! Thank you for the good laugh!

  26. Ok, you got me beat on the crazy search terms...score for Beans.

  27. I thought we weren't going to show this because we didn't want to offend anyone...Especially, when I had brought up the idea of writing about it in the first place...



Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb