Thursday, October 30, 2014

Last-Minute Costume Ideas

Need some costume ideas this Halloween? Are you in a panic to find a cheap, affordable, inexpensive, shoddy, half-assed, borderline offensive costume? Well, you've come to the right place!

1) Stereotypical Frenchie/Insert Nationality You Wish to Insult
Go to your local Forever 21/H&M/Marshalls/whatever cheap clothing store is nearby and buy a striped shirt and beret. Go to a bakery and buy a baguette. Carry the baguette as a prop.

If you are in France, merely recycle clothes from your closet and use the half-eaten bit of baguette that is still lingering from lunchtime.

(Yes, I am being sarcastic.)

Nota bene: this costume is probably not that good of an idea if you are in France, as it would merely look as if you are just walking home from the boulangerie sporting a simple marinière and, for some quirky reason, a beret.

For those of you with a bigger budget who want to poke fun at us Americans, you have two Stereotypical American options: the Country/Cowboy toting a (hopefully) fake gun, or the poorly-dressed "People of Wal-Mart"-esque American clutching for dear life to a greasy McDonald's bag (with Diet Coke) and riding an obesity scooter while holding a 'Murica #1 foam finger. The obesity scooter may be fashioned out of a bike and some painted cardboard boxes. Fat suit may or may not be required.

2) Mummy
Use white toilet paper to fashion a shirt and a pair of trousers for the mummy's bandages.

Warning: While white toilet paper is available, be careful using French toilet paper as it comes in shades of pink, blue, yellow, lavender and orange. These colors may prove inadequate to fabricate a mummy costume.

Be jealous of my pink toilet paper. (It was orange last week.)

On the other hand, you could potentially use the different colored toilet paper to be a gay-friendly Mummy.

3) Fumbling 20-Something Who Has No Idea What to Do with His/Her Life

Wait. That may not be an actual costume. Skip this option.


The clothing choices required are enough to scare anybody: wife-beater, '80s-style sneakers and an awkwardly-perched baseball cap with the not-removed shiny stickers are a must. Don't forget to accessorize with some fake tan, bling and those weird shutter sunglasses that probably only exist to impair your vision while giving your face the oddest tan lines ever.

This costume will prove to be highly-effective among your Hipster friends who know you are ironically donning the SWAG-YOLO Bro look for personal amusement.

5) Hipster

This costume will prove to be highly-effective among your SWAG-YOLO Bro friends who know you are ironically donning the Hipster look for personal amusement.

Get a haphazard variety of clothes from a local Goodwill/Salvation Army. Or, at a push, steal the clothes off a homeless man's/Hipster's back for a more authentic costume. Don't forget to accessorize with dyed hair (preferably an unnatural color), a handlebar mustache and pair of black, nerdy horn-rimmed glasses that you would have never, ever dreamt of wearing twenty years ago for the fear of oncoming ridicule by your peers.

6) Zombie

Stay up the night before getting absolutely blind drunk. Walk around the whole day plastered with a murderous hangover that renders you incapable of processing any cognitive thought and keeps you in a moribund, yet somehow still functioning, state. Accessorize with fake blood and a plastic severed limb.

I feel that I must stress the fake blood and the plastic severed limb part of the costume lest you want to actually kill someone simply for talking to you.

7) Nothing

For those of you who really can't be bothered to dress up at all but would still like to update the social media, upload a childhood photograph of yourself in a costume.

The more embarrassing, the better.

Here's a picture of Bibi (Yours Truly) wearing a pumpkin costume accessorized with a pumpkin treat bucket. This photograph documents the origins of my hatred for hermetically-sealed furniture. Thank God the trend to wrap sofas in plastic went the way of the crimped, high-volume hairdo. (New Jersey, circa late 1989)

Bonne chance with the costume preparation.

Happy Halloween,
Barb the French Bean


  1. Pumpkin costumes are the BEST. (I recently drew pictures of me and kitty in matching ones, in fact.)

  2. That pumpkin costume is adorable. I only remember the standard things from my childhood; the dracula costume and the devil costume. There is another one but I should probably save that for a blog post. I plan to go to my voluntary job tomorrow in a small costume but I don't actually know if I'll get to do it. Plus all it is is a cloak. I just won't get another chance to wear it in public.

    1. DO IT. Do it to rock the cloak!

      I suggest you accessorize with a pair of plastic fangs and a fake scar.

    2. I'd accessorise but it's a green cloak and it's from an anime, so no dracula for me. I'm going to also see if I can get away with taking my wooden sword.


      (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

      Perhaps if you have a medallion of some sort, you could wear it as an amulet around your neck. And wear a white or tan shirt with the green cloak.

  3. As an American, I already look pretty much like the picture here. I might just paint some flames on my cart so that I look fast.

    I mean, what's the minimum I can do and still have it count as a costume? I could really use the candy, although the going door to door sounds a little socialist to me.

    1. Yeah, those dang pint-sized Commies had better get their grubby mitts off my hard-earned store-bought candy!

      And painting is hard work. Take the easy route and stick a few flame decals onto the mobility scooter.

  4. You almost forgot, if I'm going to be a Frenchman as a guy then I have to have the tiny, curly mustache. I also have to constantly be doing a snooty laugh while reciting the only French I know. Example: "OUI OUI, HO HO HO, CROISSANT, HO HO HO."

    1. Careful, now. I imagine that you've already been bombarded by Christmas displays and decorations since mid-August, but remember that HO HO HO is reserved for Santa Claus.

      If you want to sound 100% Authentic French*, be sure the laugh goes "HON HON HON," Maurice Chevalier-style.

      *No, not really.

  5. Uuuuuuugggggg. Plastic on the couch. Even worse, my mom put towels on the chairs and sheets on the couch. So embarrassing. You were cute. I'm sure you are cute now, too.


    1. To be fair, my mother also has a tendency to place towels on one particular armchair, only because our Demon Chihuahua has claimed it as hers. Still, good riddance, plastic couches!

      (And, yes, some may argue that I am cute now. Just not men my age...)

  6. Oh god. The 'obesity runs in my family mainly because no one runs in my family' made me laugh out loud in the middle of the office.

    1. Oh, my. I hope that didn't draw any suspicious looks from your co-workers.

      Sorry for that...

  7. New Diet Taps into Revolutionary Plan to Help Dieters LOSE 20 Pounds in Just 21 Days!


Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb