Letters to Things That Don't Need Letters (#6)

(Okay, I've gotten lazy in providing direct links to the previous letters. If you want, just click on the label for "letters" at the bottom of this post. :-P)


Dear Public Restroom Stall:

Why is it that when I have to use you, you lack the necessary metal hook that I use to hang my purse and shopping acquisitions? When faced with this humiliating situation, I'm often stuck trying to strap my shopping bags at your door's top corner and lacing my hefty purse around my neck like an overworked donkey just so I can liberate my hands for a few seconds. Fat chance if you expect me to place my items on the floor because I dread to think of what that invisible puddle lurking near the toilet consists of...

On another note: if I so have the even more fortunate chance of discovering (a little too late) that you are also missing a lock, I suddenly have to do a rather bizarre yoga asana that includes having one arm lifted while suspending my upper body in a squat-like position. The outstretched limb is to, of course, impede a potential stranger from walking in on me. How stressful is it when I worry about having someone catch me preforming this embarrassing balancing act?

Dear Stomach:

I'm still debating what I shall put in you today and it is nearly lunchtime. How does some crackers and yogurt sound to you? Mmmm.


Dear Weather Report That Predicted a 20% Chance of Rain:

I think your figure was actually off by 80%.

Dear Suitcase :

I still have yet to pack you. Just please don't scream for mercy when you see all the stuff I have in store for you.

Dear Highly-Neglected Bedroom:

I'm sorry for leaving you to get into your current disheveled state. I promise that I will tidy you up soon enough. Besides, it's for my own good as well. I now find that I can barely walk while trying to guide my feet on the available floor spaces that still have not been conquered by the strewn piles consisting of items intended for your friend, the Suitcase.


Dear 30-Pound Weight Loss:

I'm so close to you that it is not even comical! When I stood on my scale and saw that the number revealed that I had shed 26.16 pounds/11,8 kilos, I could have run around doing a celebratory lap (which I eventually did)! You have no idea how much this minor physical change has affected my mental well-being and I can't wait to see you!

But now that I face trading one country for another in two weeks, I have at least FOUR going away restaurant meals to attend...and I still have not factored in the invitations my French friends probably will suggest upon my arrival. I can never quite turn down spending time with my friends while eating something. As I've learned, life is to be enjoyed, provided that careful moderation is applied.

No matter what, I will persevere in my quest to become hotter than Shakira. I can only grant myself the benefits of giving myself a healthier lifestyle.

Dear Scratchy Sharp Corner on My Computer Desk Which Is Conveniently Located at Thigh Level:

FUCK YOU.

Barb the French Bean