Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Something to Get Out of My Head, A.K.A. Mocking "Sharknado"

There's been an endless stream of mockery about the infamous American D-list soon-to-be-an-instant-classic Sharknado. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, then, clearly, you haven't seen the movie's trailer with the tagline of "SHARKS...TORNADO...SHARKNADO. 'NUFF SAID."

Yes, some freak meteorological event causes a horde of sharks to be transported into the swirling death funnel and cause havoc upon the streets with their ruthless, meat-tearing ways. Humans can only defend themselves with guns. And chainsaws.

In the aftermath of mindless drivel such as Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, LMFAO, Nicki Minaj, the Kardashians, the Jersey Shore, any form of half-assed, brain-numbing entertainment that attacks our feeble minds under any and every medium, I have to say that I am hardly, and sadly, surprised that such a shitastic movie managed to be produced in the first place.

I guess what I am trying to say is...I'm getting old and really tired of all of this shit. I refuse to let the insufferable term "YOLO" replace carpe diem. Every day, a piece of my soul dies then decays over the thought that children will become so dependent on technology that they won't even be taught to think for themselves. They'll have knowledge at their finger tips, access at a mere click of a button, yet they won't LEARN anything.

But I digress. Sharknado.

I thought to myself, why sharks? These creatures have become so traditional and expected in semi-horror movies that I wondered...what if the animal were replaced by something you wouldn't expect?

Like narwhals.

Think about it: narwhals are whales that have a long tooth growing out of their skull. THEY HAVE A BUILT-IN HARPOON, people. They are unicorn whales, only slightly less magical and charming. How cool is that? I can envision it now: with the mighty force of the tornado, the narwhals are lifted into the sky. Using their harpoon-tooth, they mercilessly spear their victims like they were some sort of human shish kabobs.

And do you know what the tagline of Narwhalnado will be?

Due to an F-list budget of pixelated cartoons , the special effects for Narwhalnado are restricted to copying and pasting in MS Paint.

Okay, who cares if narwhals technically live in the Arctic circle and thus have never even seen a hurricane or tornado? Why should science and nature put a damper on how cool it would look?!

Or perhaps the film could feature Portuguese Man o' Wars. To put it in layman terms, the sting from those badass colony polyp motherfuckers will fuck you up, either by giving you excruciatingly painful red welts, or an allergic reaction or, in rare cases, even attacking the lymph nodes which will eventually result in death.

Then again, Portuguese Man o' Warnado is quite a mouthful to say. So is Australian Sea Waspnado. Those creatures are even worse than the Portuguese Man o' War.

Or, perhaps both creatures can be combined to make a new film: MedusApocalypse.

These jellyfish cling to their victims faces like the face huggers from Alien. Or some poisonous neurotic ex who simply can't accept the breakup has happened.

Fear them. Fear them ALL.

Barb the French Bean