Monday, March 26, 2012

Driving Makes Me Go Over to the Dark Side

I think I have figured out the exact reason as to why I hate city driving: it brings out the worst in me.

And the worst in me scares me to death.

Driving facilitates the animal side of my being, the one pushed by pumping adrenaline and profanity, to step forth. I devolve into a wretched, vile person who spouts wretched, vile language at complete strangers while wishing them the most venomous thoughts. My sentences are peppered liberally with a vulgar, four-lettered labio-dental fricative word that can be defined as the act of engaging in "bow-chicka-wowwow." I'm not saying that I am a complete goodie-two shoes; I am an adult and am therefore prone to using curse words. Yet when I utter this particular word, I become detached to respecting fellow members of human society and therefore lose any remorse that I would have felt. This profane person is someone who I don't recognize when I am a mere pedestrian.

The transition from pedestrian to driver is a harsh one for me because I am generally respectful of others. I will open the door for you. I will say "excuse me" if I accidentally bumped into you. I will even warn you if the bathroom stall ran out of toilet paper. Yet when I become the driver, I can no longer cling to the ideals of "please" and "thank you" because, apparently, no one else on the road does. No, the mere thought of being considerate to me is as foreign as knowing how to survive a four-way stop.

These inconsiderate drivers expect me to zoom at one hundred miles per hour when the signs clearly state that my car should not surpass forty. As a reward for me having the gall to respect the law, they honk at my vehicle like an enraged goose, cut me off and salute me with their middle fingers. The knowledge that I was not in the wrong when they were drives me insane.

However, nothing, NOTHING, will get me more riled up than seeing someone switch lanes without using the turn signal. I honestly don't know how I have avoided so many potential life-ending car crashes when some idiot zigzagged from one lane to the next without giving any forewarning. I know people say to live life dangerously, but they probably didn't mean it to be taken so literally!

I must also point out that some of the worst offenders of the lack of utilizing this vital device drive upscale cars. In the endless parade of BMWs, Mercedes Benzes, Audis and even Acuras, it seems none of the drivers know what the turn signal's purpose is, much less how it functions.

(Also: what is it with those new Mercedes Benz logos? I see them plastered onto the front of the vehicles like an unfortunate squirrel that became roadkill, and their sheer size is set to rival a rapping mogul's bling-bling pendant.)



Thanks to these drivers, I get in touch with my inner philosopher and ponder one of the greatest mysteries of the universe:



Seeing someone who drives an upscale car and not use the turn signal  is like seeing a woman carry a Coach or Louis Vuitton handbag and have the gall to commit a fashion faux pas by sporting cheesy flip-flops.

I must ask why this is such a big deal to me. Why must I become such a hateful person when my fellow drivers spite traffic laws?

Perhaps this hatred stems from the possibility of jealousy. Maybe I only wished that I were half as valiant as those who dared to break the speeding laws. Maybe what is wrong with me is that I desire to own a bling-bling Mercedes-Benz and can't because I live within my means.

Or, maybe, I just want you to use the damn turn signal and not kill me.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to take my Ford Focus to my bi-weekly meeting of Dark Siders Anonymous, driving. I would normally skip these meetings but it's karaoke night.

Barb the French Bean

48 comments:

  1. I HAVE A FORD FOCUS TOO!!! We are best. (Don't worry, I use my blinker)

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    1. All right! High five! (I'm glad to hear that! ^.^)

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  2. I think mercedes always has a german accent

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    1. I tend to pronounce it like the woman's name, in Spanish.

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  3. I can totally relate to this. It is as if their lane changing is such an obvious thing that they clearly don't need to waste the effort to let us mere mortals know their plan.

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    1. You have to wonder what goes through their minds. "Should I or shouldn't I warn them? Nah, they can figure it out! Besides, I have awesome car insurance! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

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  4. I have terrible road rage. If I see someone switch lanes without using the blinker a mile away from me, I will speed up and ride their ass while laying on the horn. They don't know why I'm sure, but it pisses me off so much that I'll go out of my way to freak them out.

    That's why I love that scene in Shoot 'Em Up where Clive Owen drives a guy off the road for not using his blinker.

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    1. I'll have to check it out so I can live vicariously through that scene.

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  5. How do rich people not know how to use the turn signal? Hey, being rich doesn't mean that they're smart. :/

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    1. I suppose that's true...*grumble, mumble*

      And thanks for stopping by! I had been wondering what you had gotten up to! :D

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    2. Ahahah, sorry. I'll try and be around more often. ;)

      By the way, how did you get these little "reply to a reply" options on here? I kept trying to find a way to do it, but I could never figure it out...

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    3. To be frank, I honestly don't know. The option merely appeared one day on the blog without forewarning. o_O

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  6. I can't drive, so can only tangentially relate - but this kind of thing annoys the hell out of Miss-Matic.

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    1. If you want, I can give her the address to Dark Siders Anonymous so she can attend our meetings.

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  7. I think all drivers that own a powerful car are forced to go over to dark side because some speeding limits are impossible to be respected if you drive a Ferrari or a Porsche....
    But drivers that own such a car have the technology necessary to drive safe even if they exceed the speed limit, but off course not double it...
    I have a friend that has such a powerful care and the only problem he had was a careless driving Toronto charge for texting:)))
    We all made jokes on him because I can't have a Porsche and get only one ticket for texting:)))

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    1. I hadn't considered that view point. Owning a powerful muscle machine and not being able to exert its full power would be frustrating. Still, getting a ticket for texting instead of speeding...

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  8. I'm still in the middle of my lessons, but I've spent many a year as a passenger, and I do find myself agreeing with you actually. I have road rage as a passenger. Le sigh.

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    1. Yes. Can't you just feel the love all over? :P

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  9. Jean-Paul Satre once said "hell is other people". I think he actually meant "other drivers".

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    1. J-P Sartre may have had an existential point there.

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  10. I've only had one driving lesson and what I learned was that everyone, everywhere is in a massive hurry to get someplace. Seriously, people are SO. DAMN. RUDE. on the road! Will it really kill you to wait the two seconds it takes me to start my car?

    People need to relax and eat a cupcake.

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    1. And then they need to stop and smell the flowers. Learning not to rush in life takes away SO much stress.

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    1. When you do, just remember to use the turn signal. That will make me happy.

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  12. Yesterday I actually saw a Smart Car with a Mercedes logo on it. Obviously I was in some alternate universe.

    Got your back on this one. Carry on!!

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  13. Story of my life. You want to drive in a road where almost all the cars are Mercedes Benzes and BMWs that don't signal when changing lanes? Come here to Dubai. It has nothing to do with intelligence...I think they have this weird complex where they think owning an expensive car makes them high enough to be above the law
    -_-
    But I don't usually let the roads get to me....I know I'll only end up getting worked up about something that won't change.

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    1. I should take a page from your book and accept this fact of life. Good show, jnana.

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  14. I'm waiting on the day when automobiles are replaced with tandem bicycles. So I can look pleasant and happy, and feel pleasant and happy, peddling away in my floppy straw hat, flower sundress and white Keds. Looking like I stepped right out of a Tampax commercial. Fingers crossed.

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    1. Bikes totally need to come back in style. Better for the environment and you'd get killer legs from all the exercise!

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  15. My boyfriend gets Road Rage as well, I have always wondered what that was about. Everyone is usually that much angrier as soon as they sit behind the drivers wheel! Whats scary about German road rage is the speed limits. its scary being on that passenger seat in a car going at 160 km/h wnd the driver using his hands to make obscene gestures rather than drive.

    xx

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    1. Do Germans have what the French call the "bras d'honneur," in which they place hand in the crook of the other arm and thrust their forearm into a 90 degree angle?

      Either way, it is dangerous to make those gestures, especially on the autobahns. o_O

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  16. OMG people who switch lanes without using the turn signal makes me so Angry! i live in a Country town, where you would think every would obey road rules.. liturally everybody never uses there indicators and its sooo dangerous! ... oh yea, I hate traffic too :p does this make me a candidate for Dark Siders Anonymous :p

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  17. So I'm not supposed to wear flip-flops with Coach?
    (crap)

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    1. Nope. Ideally, you should avoid having such a garish combination from seeing the light of day.

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  18. Thanks for popping by my blog, by the way! You two beans got it going on! Love what you're doing here - consider yourself followed!

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  19. I hate it when I get honked at while driving. It actually hurts my feelings, especially when I don't know what I did to deserve the honking. It hurts my feelings when I know exactly what I did, but more so when I feel I've been wrongfully honked at. Not to mention, I always use my turn signal.

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    1. I must confess, I cried the very first time I had someone flip me off. I've developed tougher skin, but I remember all of the details from that moment: the SUV, the large, obese woman who wore sunglasses and the way she angrily honked at me when I refused to throw my car into oncoming traffic.

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  20. Possessing considerable wealth is not an indication of superior intellect or in this case, the ability to use a turn signal.

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    1. I know, I know. If there is anything to learn from celeb-reality TV shows, it is that money doesn't buy brains. --.--

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  21. THere are no flippin blinkers in Miami. I drive three hours to work, but I don't slip over to the dark side until I hit Broward-Dade county. Sigh.

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    1. Ouch! Driving three hours AND having to venture into South Florida? You poor, poor thing...*hugs*

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  22. Hi Barb, thank you for stopping by my blog. I installed Disqus, deleted Disqus, and lost your fabulous comment. Just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you.
    (I use to work as a dealer in Lake Tahoe & Las Vegas. Now I'm a flight attendant and only have to brave the Miami traffic once or twice a week. :}) Enjoy the day!

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  23. "However, nothing, NOTHING, will get me more riled up than seeing someone switch lanes without using the turn signal."

    You don't ever want to drive in Holland. You'll end up going on a killing spree.

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    1. Uh-oh. It seems like there could be a slight flaw in my Holland-305 Project, in which I want to progressively remove reliance on bikes to cars...

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Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb