Monday, April 23, 2012

The Time I Was Outsmarted by Cockroaches

At the risk of  giving you all the impression that my home is a dirty, roach-infested wasteland, I present a horror story so foul that will make you want to go to sleep with the lights on... so those little insects have the keen sense of not emerging from their daytime hiding spots when everyone is asleep in the dark. As everyone knows, cockroaches are the Keebler Elves of the insect world.

If you are mortified of roaches, please find your softest and most cuddly teddy bear before you start to read. Or skip reading this post altogether.


Still here? Okay. Let's continue.

It doesn't matter how intelligent I am, nor that I have a college degree that proves I am a cultured, literate young woman: experiences with the animal kingdom inevitably show that I can't control my very instinctive and human reactions.

One late evening (technically, it was very early morning), I made my way to use the sole bathroom that is in my apartment. Since I do not live alone, I have the habit of locking the door to prevent any mishaps of someone walking in on me. The locking mechanism of said bathroom's door shuts with the push of a button. This is easier for my grandmother so she doesn't have to struggle to twist something minuscule with her shaky fingers.

Anyway, over the years, I have developed a fairly mindless procedure for entering the bathroom. I open the door, I turn on the light switch and, still having the door open, I lock it.

But that late evening, something was different. When I looked up at the ceiling and glanced around the walls, I realized that I was not alone.

I saw not one.

Not two.

But THREE cockroaches crawling on the bathroom walls, all at least 2 inches /5 cm long.


Now, I am not one to become squeamish at seeing roaches because I don't have a particular phobia against them, and growing up in Florida only helped me to get accustomed to seeing all sorts of animals invade my home: ants, roaches, Anole lizards, even the odd snake or two. Hanny, my blogging partner-in-crime, can certainly confirm that when it comes to killing those dastardly insects, I will be the one to step forward and destroy them with steel resolve.

I'll admit that I cringed momentarily when I was confronted by three of them at once in the bathroom, yet was determined to not be conquered by these ghastly intruders and let them get the better of me.



Still, their sheer size alone should have been an indication, nay, a warning, that they had weathered enough difficulties in their tough, roachy lives to have survived to grow that large.






It didn't matter that I was at least 32 times taller than they were and outweighed them by maybe 500 times their body weight; when those menacing creatures spread their wings and kamikazed off their horizontal perches straight at my face, all bets were off.




Oh, the joys of living in Florida. We get heat, humidity, hurricanes, thunderstorms, the occasional tornado and congregating flying roaches that participate in monthly meetings of "scare-the-crap-outta-humans."

Fearing that those little, brown, turd-shaped bastards were going to kill me, I shut the door in instinctive fright and created a barricade that separated me from the trio of evil flying roaches.

A locked barricade.

Yes, I had slammed the door shut. With the lock set in place. To the only bathroom in the entire apartment. I refer to this scenario as a classic "oh, shit" moment.

The second I realized that I had locked myself out, it was as if my life of having access to a bathroom  flashed before my eyes and horrid thoughts of impending doom filled my head. "How am I going to shower? Or brush my teeth? My shampoo is in there!  Where am I supposed to pee? MY PAUL MITCHELL HAIR MOUSSE IS TRAPPED IN THERE! NOOOOOO!!! I MUST SAVE IT FROM THE ROACHES!!!"



On the bright side, no matter how much heaving and pushing I did against the door, I can confirm that the lock works perfectly at keeping it shut. This will prove to be extremely useful when I take cover in the bathroom from the robbers, rapists and serial killers who are sure to invade my home one of these nights.

However, I couldn't let the bathroom stay shut forever. There had to be some way to wrench it open. As I took a deep breath to control the panic that had seeped into my nervous system, I leaned down and observed the door knob. I noticed that it had a very small hole. One that needed to be pierced by a small wire of some sort. I gasped. This was going to be my chance to practice all of the cool stuff that I had seen on T.V.!

First, I tried to open the door by poking the hole with a bobby pin. That didn't work.Then I MacGyverred a trombone-shaped paper clip into a spear and fidgeted with the hole for a few minutes.

But it was no use. I was going to need the key. Thus my promising career as a world-class jewelry heist thief was dashed because a lock and three roaches foiled me. The only question remaining for me was: where was the key? I had a vague knowledge that the key did exist. Somewhere. In my apartment.

The only person with that knowledge was Mom and I didn't want to wake her up at 2 a.m. Feeling like a rather useless child instead of a fully-functioning adult, I wrang my hands and nervously danced on the spot. What was I going to do? What was going to happen?

When I thought that I would sink into my deepest despair, a totally anonymous, costumed avenger appeared next to me with a key. Oddly enough, she had my mother's build and short hair-style. She didn't say much, only revealing that she called herself Super Mom. She inserted her magical golden key into the door knob and saved the day.


Seeing that a little ol' sissy coward like me had been traumatized by the disgusting roaches, Super Mom bucked up and charged into the bathroom with a broom. Soon, my dreaded enemies were defeated in three fell swoops.

It's moments like these that make me wish that I were half of the woman Super Mom is. I may be twenty-five years old, but I honestly don't know what I would do without her courage, guidance and foresight. Super Mom is my hero.

I also add that this experience of locking myself out of the bathroom has made me question whether or not I am fit to survive in the world alone (the fact that I still live at home further proves this point). I mean, having a job and paying the bills is the easy part, but should that fateful day when I become independent come, who will be there to exterminate kamikaze roaches for me? My flip-flop? Raid bug spray? The Exterminator, the Terminator's much-less-well-known cousin?

Barb the French Bean

67 comments:

  1. at first, i wasn't sure whether i should have read this, because i am absolutely terrified of roaches. i find them one of the most disgusting creatures on this earth, right after my sister.

    but i found this post highly entertaining, and it even brought back embarassing memories of when i tried to deal with these demons by myself - no doubt, i failed miserably.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as you have someone who will face those demons for you, you should be all right.

      Delete
  2. I don't think I've ever actually seen a cockroach in person and really I don't hope to. Never mind three of them. So you're braver than me at least, and have more of a shot at independence. Your mom is pretty cool though :) I didn't know how possible it was before to lock yourself out of a bathroom.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The only thing as bad as roaches are poisonous centipedes.

    That's right. "As bad as."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even the bat-eating kind of centipedes? Yep. As bad as, too.

      Delete
  4. What a precious post! Your mom's a true heroine in so many ways! And you'll do just fine when you get an apartment of your own.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you are right because having to fight roaches on my own becomes a 1,000 times creepier than knowing someone else is there.

      Delete
  5. I call my ten year old daughter to come and kill spiders for me- so you can guess how I would feel about 3 cockroaches trapped in the bathroom ! Thank God your mom is awesome because my poor girls would havve been on their own in there!! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. XD I think you've got your own Super Daughter! lol

      Delete
  6. Wow. I'm not scared of cockroaches, but I can't say I wouldn't do anything other than run if 3 of them flew at me simultaneously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just remember to not lock yourself out of the room.

      Delete
  7. I've never had to deal with cockroaches but your's appear rather fierce. Also, if you take the refill out of a pen, you can use that to unlock one of those doos. (for the next time this happens) :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tip! It certainly is bound to be more effective than a bobby pin. :)

      Delete
  8. Ewewewewew. Seriously. I hate anything that flies - including butterflies. It's harder to keep track of the little bastards once they're airborn...

    Also, I once had to kill a giant flying devil-roach by myself when my roommate left me alone in the house for the weekend. I duck-taped a riding boot to a 2x4 and stood as far back as possible while "stomping" at the thing until it splattered everywhere and died. I'm not ashamed to admit I contemplated starving to death as a viable alternative to having to deal with the thing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't blame you, quite frankly. Who can eat when the flying devil-roaches are around? :P

      Delete
  9. This is a nightmare :( Hope you're okay <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am now! (But I wasn't when it was happening XD)

      Delete
  10. I LOATHE all insects with a shiny shell. Beetles, roaches, etc. They all must go! Once I smooshed a big one dead in my apartment, went to get a tissue to clean him up, only to come back to him gone. The bastard had survived! The pictures in this post made me laugh so hard. Especially the close up of the roaches with their red eyes. Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Zombie roaches are even scarier. o_O I think I got chills up my spine...

      Delete
  11. This was hilarious, as usual. And now I'm itchy. I always get itchy at the thought of insects. Thanks for the laugh....not the itchiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome (and sorry for the itchiness).

      Delete
  12. Haha! Sounds just like me with spiders! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, they are terrible as well. I killed one yesterday that was ON MY BED.

      Delete
  13. I live in the tropics. The roaches aren't as scary as the centipedes. Both are hard to kill. I mean a flip flop really isn't gonna do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You probably need a scimitar to finish those!

      Delete
  14. Be glad there weren't 5. If all five roaches were together, they could have formed the cockroach version of VOLTRON! You would have been in trouble then!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...I'd rather not think about that. *shudders*

      Delete
  15. I'd probably have a storke if I saw a cockroach in my house let alone having them divebomb me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe you could get the Choz to deal with those?

      Delete
  16. GAH! That picture that you drew of them flying towards you? HORRIFYING! (As for locking yourself out of the bathroom...well, that's definitely something I could see myself doing.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is honestly what they looked like to me. Gleaming red eyes, squadron chevron formation, the works.

      Delete
  17. I loved this! Thanks so much for introducing me to your blog. Laughed! Out loud even!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hilarious! I'm this way with spiders. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Evil, devil-spiders. Have any of them locked you out of the bathroom yet?

      Delete
  19. Luckily your cockroaches didn't morph into cockamice! The dreaded cockamouse can also fly! True story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A bit of "How I Met Your Mother" facts to send more chills up my spine. o_O

      Delete
  20. Hi, I'm Maria and I write you from Italy! Thank you for your visit, your blog is so nice!! Nice to meet you!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I Loathe all creatures with more than 4 legs! I believe the worst are spiders which I happen to have a phobia of... I don't care what people say about insects they are unnecessary and scare the hell out of me!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Eeeewwwwwwww! No way - I hate spiders, but I can hitch up my big girl pants high enough to take care of them. Not the case with roaches. One time I was reading in bed at a hotel, looked up and saw one staring at me from two inches away, ON MY PILLOW! I knocked it across the room with my book, ran out in my PJs, and slept in the car. I might've even thrown the book away. Guh-rohse.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know your phobia is bad when you sacrifice a book over it. Wow. (Gross, indeed! And in a hotel? I must make a roach motel pun here.)

      Delete
  23. Ah, the flying roaches!.....sound of gun being loaded!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I might need to get some tranquilizers while I'm at it.

      Delete
  24. I felt the fear when I saw the picture of them flying towards you! Great tension-building. Well, they've been here for about 10 billion years and they'll still be here after the apocalypse. Stubborn blighters.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heck, they'll probably even outlive the post-apocalypse-apocalypse. They're just wired like that.

      (And thanks for the tension-building compliment!)

      Delete
  25. I think they KNOW that they're superior because they can survive a zombie apocalypse and we can't.

    Smug bastards. Crunch em all.

    (And kudos to Mom for saving the day!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to wonder if that is what they say about us humans. o_O

      Delete
  26. I cannot believe you made a post about roaches x_x I died a little reading the post...I HATE ROACHES with a PASSION BLEHHHHHHHH. Especially flying ones eek.

    -Hanny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I warned you to get a teddy bear, but did you listen to me? Nooooo...

      (I figured this post would make you squirm, lol. "Cucarachita, I'm going to kill you! Squeeeeeee...")

      -Barb

      Delete
  27. There was a show on television years ago about a man who lived in a roach infested apartment. The roaches were his pals. They talked to him, and loved him oodles. At least, that's how I remember it. That show made me grow quite fond of roaches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean he wasn't a friendly little Pixar Disney robot?

      Delete
  28. Oh, oh, OH!!!!!!! I absolutely, positively HATE cockroaches. HATE, as in all caps! I remember when my sister lived in Florida and there were these gigantic roaches all over the place and I was so freaked out and she said, "Oh, those are just Palmetto bugs." Ha! I know roaches when I see them. I was in cockroach hell!

    *deep breath*

    Okay...I'm better now.

    Barb, only you and your wonderful (but way too realistic & scary) artwork and fabulous sense of humor could make me read a post about cockroaches. I salute you, my friend. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is honestly one of the grandest compliments ever. A cockroach hater who actually bucked up and read about roaches because I made it tolerable. ^.^

      Palmetto bugs, huh? Nope. That name is not accurate enough to describe kamikaze devil-roaches!

      Delete
  29. hahaha Ok, I love the drawings. I share your pain. I had someone tell me that cockroaches don't fly as one was heading for my face. I too, used the cockroach kryptonite- a flip flop.

    Next time, try using a credit card or something like it. You can usually slide it between the door and the door jam and pop the lock. Uh...I mean that's what I hear;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hm. Any chance I can join you to become a world-class jewelry thief?

      Delete
  30. Too fuuny

    So does this mean your mom does have a promising future as a world-class jewelry heist thief?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Great Blog! I got onto it because you left a comment on my blog (Thanks!) and now I am hooked. Love it!

    But I do not love Cockroaches. Hate those things. I have lived in Bolivia and Mexico and both places were filled with cockroaches. It wasn't because my house was dirty (Well, I am not the best cleaner in the world) but they just are everywhere! This post brought back some memories!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I really hate it when cockroaches suddenly sprout wings. Why, oh why, did they have to grow wings?! Isn’t being gross already enough? And you had three of them coming at you! In any case, you should probably check your bathroom for very small holes. Believe it or not, cockroaches can come from even the tiniest gaps. Also, try lowering the humidity in your bathroom, as these pests live in very humid environments.

    Lucile Lynch

    ReplyDelete
  33. There is SHOCKING news in the sports betting world.

    It's been said that any bettor must watch this,

    Watch this now or stop betting on sports...

    Sports Cash System - Automated Sports Betting Software.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hello admin,
    I have found your blog On MSN and rellay love your guidelines.
    Read my review best cockroach killer

    ReplyDelete

Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb