Disturbing Searches That Happen When You Have a Fairly Innocent Blog

Warning: Due to the nature of the subject matter, this blog post contains strong language.

I have come to the conclusion that this little blog of ours attracts some rather bizarre search results. While most searches are benign and have often made me laugh despite the improper use of the Apostrophe S--

--there have been moments in which the words that led people to this blog have made me scratch my head. Or have genuinely disturbed me.

Or experience an uncomfortable combination of both.

Ever since I wrote my Having Big Boobs Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be post, it should have been a no-brainer that it would garner the attention of horny teenagers who don't know how to spell if their lives depended on it.

"A Woman takeing her bra and shirt off shoing her tits with no things what seeing the tits wih out a bras or shirts in the wayrt."

God, that was painful to type. How terrible does your English have to be to even HAVE that as a search result in the first place? (The fact that said anonymous teenager heralded from the U.K. makes me want to weep for Britain and for the English language.)

Perhaps I am being unfair in assuming that only horny teens in the U.K. are guilty of this. In one instance, the blog was even graced by a Canadian woman. Well, based on the question asked, I'm assuming that it was a woman...

"do I need big boobs to be a playboy bunny?"

Answer: I'm not an expert on the matter, but I would assume that having large bazongas would be a pre-requisite to even be welcomed into Hugh Hefner's empire.

Oh, and speaking of Hugh...

...I'm going to need some mental bleach after reading that.

That certainly isn't the end of the boob-related searches, folks.

I don't know which is worse: the prospect of not having any coffee, or the fact that "jugs" was misspelled. 

To my knowledge, this blog is in no way, shape or form a purveyor of pornography, but what would a key word search be without the occasional desire to see male genitalia engaged in sexual acts?

Or, indeed, a photo of two corpses?

I also care to point out that this blog may have been encountered by a pedophile, and that makes me seriously question how on Earth they would have arrived on this blog in the first place.

No. Just...NO, dammit.

It's not always themes of a sexual nature that disturb me. There have also been instances involving murderous intentions and death.

You want advice on the matter? Call me crazy, but I think that there is no need to go biblical on your kids. The best you can do to punish is to not purchase the latest iPhone model for them. Trust me, that deprivation will feel like death to them.

Amid the rather distasteful searches, I am happy to report that not all of them have been negative. Even if the stringent grammarian in me couldn't help but wish that each word had been spaced properly and that the nouns had been capitalized, I admit that I felt giddy after seeing this:

Someone found the blog by searching for "barbthefrenchbean!" That's me! Someone fed my pig-headed ego by actually looking for little old moi!

And what the hell is a "necktie boob"? I'd do a Google search on the matter, but I only feel that it's a case akin to curiosity killing the cat, à la Lemon Party and Blue Waffle.

(DON'T LOOK THOSE UP.)

So, in short, I want to see more of this:

And this:

(Click here for the Zelda-related post.)

And less of the creepy searches that make me lose sleep and faith in humanity.

Barb the French Bean