The Bus Wants Me to Go Deaf

Everyday, whether it is in the morning or at night, I try to walk from 45 minutes to one full hour. This activity comes from the desires to shed a few pounds, to improve my overall mental well-being and to get me out of the house. Yet I must walk at certain times of the day.

If it is during the morning, I have to do it no later than 6:15; by 7:15, the day becomes unpleasantly warm and muggy. To walk during the day would be absolutely crazy. I fear melting on sidewalk and 1st degree burns on my skin. If it is at night, I should wait until 7:20, when the sun starts to go down.

I also follow a specific plan. Please take a moment to study the map below:

As you can see, my house is located in proximity to a school. Using the stop sign as a marker, I do 6 to 8 counterclockwise laps around this school. Each lap takes between 7 to 9 minutes, depending on my speed. To help keep me motivated, I carry a refreshing bottle of cold water while I jam to upbeat music on my MP3.



Even though I find it challenging to wake up in time, I prefer to walk in the mornings. I cross paths with the same friendly elderly lady. No one who owns a dog in my town likes to take it out this early (a major plus since I have a strong aversion to large dogs). My favorite part is watching the sun rise across the firmament. One hour of steady marching energizes me for the rest of the day. As I walk in time to my music, I have a sense of empowerment and felicity, a veritable natural high.

Yet something remains unavoidable and that is extraneous noise. I conciously try to keep the music's volume at a reasonably healthy level, yet every couple of laps or so, my thumb aims at the round dial and gently turns it clockwise to increase the sound. This happens when I reach the busy intersection where the bus stop is located. The cars (yes, even at 6:00 a.m.) drown the music that is already thumping against my eardrums.

The Bus is the worst culprit. Despite arriving every once in a blue, it always manages to coincidentally come to a squealing halt the second I turn the corner near the stop. The Bus screeches in agony at the thought of collecting a handful of passengers from my neighborhood.

*thumb rapidly turns the dial*

*music becomes progressively louder and louder*

Today, by the way, happens to be "Take Public Transport to Work" day. Ha, ha, ha...take that, Bus.

I simply despise being taken out of my "comfort zone," and that includes the level of music. Usually, the rest of my walk goes uninterrupted. My white sneakers strike against the sidewalk in cadence. My arms punch in a shifting motion. My ponytail swings with each step. I sometimes feel the urge to dispel sudden bursts of energy by trotting in time to a song. My pulse quickens. So does my breath. My lungs inhale. Exhale. My whole body accords with the motion I feel in my heart. No one can bottle and sell a sensation like that.

After a couple of laps, I once again come across another occasion that puts my auditive health in peril: the Garbage Truck. A school collects a lot of refuse. I realize that the Garbage Truck executes its necessary duty, but it carries out this function with as much noise as possible. Just after passing next to the busy street of the Bus, its partner-in-crime plots to silence my music.

I can't help it. I seek the circular dial like a deranged addict. I'm sure that one of these days, my MP3 will develop a warning level for me:

I figure that at this rate, 1 hour per day x 365 = deafness in under a year...

Is it a conspiracy? Are these large vehicles intentionally trying to impede me from continuing my exercise regimen? Do they expect me to give up? If it is, then I will not let them have their ways. I shall be the one who triumphs!

Barb the French Bean

Disclaimer: I obviously did not compose the lyrics to the songs mentioned in this post. Please don't sue my behind.

The Five Types of People on a Bus

Everyday, early in the morning, I go on a shuttle to get to my university. The shuttle I take is designed mostly for college students, but no matter the age you will always see these types in any bus. I always end up seeing the same people get on and off the bus (I am still surprised I do not already know them by name). So as the observer that I am, I have silently been observing some of the characteristics that my fellow collegians tend to display.



Exhibit A:

The fly swallower:

Ah! yes. My favorite! This type of person is indeed disgusting without any knowledge of it. See the fly swallower, is actually "a stare into space" kind of person. They are the ones who "stare off into space" with their mouth open; Not realizing that they just swallowed a fly till they are choking on it. Of course not all daydreamers leave their mouth open, which is why the ones who do are coined the name fly swallower.

These people are quite useful when there is a bus full of flies. No need for a fly swatter, just use a fly swallower.


Exhibit B:

The announcer:

Do you like to talk to people on the bus? Well, if you do, do not- I repeat...DO NOT talk to the announcer. If you are anything like me, and you like to keep your life private from the rest of the world, the announcer will just ruin that. The announcer can be either a guy or a girl, but usually, from what I have seen, it is a girl. The girl who has the characteristics of the announcer is a) loud, b) not at all private about anything, and c) not going to keep your secrets safe. The announcer likes to gossip and talk about her personal life. Sometimes you might even hear comments such as "Omg, did you see that, her pad was totally coming out" or "I cannot believe he dumped me! I should have never paid 600 dollars for strippers to go to his house". Yes, indeed they will announce everything and anything to the whole bus or I am assuming if outside, to the world.

The announcers are really useful when you need to make an announcement. Have an upcoming wedding and you need to invite people? you don't need invitations, silly. Just tell the announcer about it, she will let EVERYONE know.


Exhibit C:

The Joke:

This one is a very interesting one. The joke is a guy, who thinks he can get any girl he wants. He is the type that tells his buddies in person or on the phone about his late night "rendezvous" with various pretty ladies. He thinks he is the best of the best , but in reality he is just a guy with a huge pimple on his nose (well from what I've seen). The reason his name is the joke is because he over exaggerates when bragging about the "50" women he hooked-up with. After hearing such a story you will be asking yourself "Is this a joke?" and of course you will be disgusted by whoever is telling this story. Now don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with men talking about women, but you know there is something wrong when a guy talks about hooking-up with "50" women in one day.

The good thing about the joke is that he can make you laugh without trying. Just listen in on his "true" stories and in no time you will be laughing.

Exhibit D :

The vacuum eating vortex:

In my observation of people, I have noticed that there are about one or two people always eating on the bus. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that, but it is amusing to watch a few eating. The vacuum eating vortex is a person who will open their mouth wide enough so that it ends up looking like a vortex. The more this type of person eats, the more the food spirals in their mouth creating a spinning motion. It is incredible to see this person eat because after a while the person ends up looking like a vacuum. Literally, this person finishes in five seconds (okay, I might be exaggerating a bit).

Do you need money? Just ask the vacuum eating vortex to join a few eating competitions for you, and you will be rich in no time.

Exhibit E:

The creeper:










Alright, the last one, the creeper. This one is the most hated one of all. The creeper is mostly a male , but it can also be a female. This type of person is the one who is usually staring at people (don't get it confused with the fly swallower), and if caught by a woman will end up either a)winking at her, b) giving a hideous creepy smile, or c) try something with her. The creeper is not only weird in his ways, but he can be blunt. "Oye, Mami. You are so Smoking hot!", "You got nice legs, now show me the other good stuff", or "Hey baby, want some lovin? I got some right here", are just a few things the creeper might just say. The creeper is a very recognizable fellow with his eyes popping out of his head, and his toothless smile (in some cases). This is one fellow that will have you running for dear life.

Do you want to have the scariest house during Halloween? Well put a creeper on every corner of your house, and voila! you will literally spook everyone away from your house.

-Hanny The Coffee Bean