The Ass Plan

Okay. A week ago, I signed up for an online dating website in the hope of finding a man. Well, not only have I discovered quite a few members of the male variety on said website but I also am starting to believe that I'm completely wasting my time getting a little dismayed with the whole concept of internet dating websites. I honestly feel like a prospector who is fruitlessly panning among dirt to perhaps someday find a valuable and priceless diamond.


So far, I've been hit on by complete duds (and no, not "dudes"). I don't mean to be so unkind but these duds range from being young men to old guys to really, really old guys...and what is worse, most of them openly admit that all they want is le plan cul.


What's that, you ask? Literally translated, le plan cul means "the Ass Plan," and the idea is that you hook up with someone strictly for sex. It can be equated to a regular one-night stand, but I get the idea that it can also apply to a couple who proceed to hump each other on several occasions. These open admissions, of course, chip away at what little faith I already have in humankind.




Remember the creepy old guy I met on the bus? Well, now it seems that I encounter the internet version of him at least 5 times a day...









I mean, this is supposed to be a dating website, for crying out loud. Surely, Frenchmen would look elsewhere if they wanted to have sexual relations with a woman, right?

Just today, I chatted with a 24-year-old who said his name was Maxime. This is a rough approximation of the conversation we had.


Maxime: Bonjour.


Me: Bonjour.


Maxime: My name's Maxime. What's yours?


Me: Mmmm...I'm not quite ready to divulge that information with you yet. ^.^




Maxime: Lol. Okay I understand.


So, what are you looking for on this website?



Me: Well, I'm not sure.


I'm at a point in my life where I want to focus on ameliorating myself. I have goals that I want to meet and I cannot be distracted from reaching them.


Still, I think my desires are pretty conflicting with my goals...




Maxime: Ah, really? Do tell!




Me: Well...this perhaps is a bit personal but the last time I opened my heart to someone, it resulted in me being badly hurt. On top of that, I ended up becoming distracted from my goals. I began to place his needs before mine.


It was stupid to do that but that's how the heart reacts when you're in love.




Maxime: So, what you're saying is that you want to have a physical desire fulfilled but to not be emotionally attached to the person?


Me: No, that's not quite it.




Maxime: I'm not talking about sentimental involvement...just pleasure?




Me, thinking: (Fuck you, Maxime...)


No, I don't want that either.



Maxime: Oh, that's too bad. Ha ha.




Me, thinking: ("Ha ha" your ass, loser.)


Ha, ha. Yeah, le plan cul isn't for me. I crave something more than that.


Maxime: Well, yes, we all need something more but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't interested in that as well.


Me: I can imagine. I think I'm just going to live each day as it comes.


*logs off*



Ugh. It really disgusts me how people feign interest and concern only to mask their ulterior motives.


I'm sincerely beginning to wonder why these French losers have been so forward about searching for an Ass Plan with me. I have heard that (unfortunately) Frenchmen believe that American girls are "easy," so perhaps they think that I am ready to willingly jump on top of them in blink of an eye?

Beware of the Frenchman who describes himself as "living to enjoy life." To him, that may mean that he's interested in sleeping with as many women as possible. And I really don't call that living.

Barb the French Bean