I Think Cupid Jinxed Me

Last year, I wrote a post to cupid threatening his life for being such a bastard. Ever since then, it seems that cupid has been playing around with my love life and so once again, for like the second time, I am dateless for Valentine's day.

Yes. Dateless.

I didn't give Valentine's much thought, but with all the reminders around, it was hard to miss what "holiday" was around the corner.

At first, I went into a frenzy as I kept seeing the Kay Jeweler commercials and the grocery stores filled with flowers and chocolates. I wanted to jump every couple I saw holding hands and displaying some sort of affection.

Eventually, after seeing so many pink hearts around, I started to have nightmares of past lovers doing all the romantic things (the things I never got) for their special someone.

Then I slowly started to fall into some sort of depression I couldn't quite understand...

As Valentine's got closer, my emotions went into overdrive and it felt as though Cupid was somewhere around laughing at my expense. Even having such a busy schedule, the idea of having a date plagued my thoughts and as I observed my companions getting married, getting engaged, having babies, and getting into a relationship, my want to have someone to hold was still not happening.

Thus, I believe Cupid jinxed me to be loveless for the rest of my life, but then an idea occurred to me, what if I killed Cupid? Would the curse break? Would Valentine's end? Who knows, but I WILL find out.

For now, I will have to bare with the fact that I don't have a date this year and even if I tell myself maybe next year (which I said last year about this year...), I really shouldn't get my hopes up.

So for everyone who is in the same position as I am, I wish you a Happy let's kill cupid day and for those in a relationship, I say to enjoy your partner because not everyone is as lucky to have someone special in their life.

Hanny the coffee bean

This Is What I Do When I Am Bored

I tend to waste many, many hours of my precious life browsing the internet, but even that becomes tedious. The appeal of sitting in front of a lifeless computer screen eventually gets to me and I find myself searching for other means of passing the time.

If I do not make the crucial decision to actually change out of my pajamas and head out into the world, I will often limit my day to just taking photographs.

I captured this image while goofing off in front of the computer, ironically enough.

I am mesmerized with the fact that the staring wide-eyed girl with unkempt hair is actually me.

More often than not, I gaze upon my reflection in agony and scrutinize all of the imperfections that haunt my being. I do not have a flat stomach. My thighs have difficulty entering into most French trousers. I dislike my flabby upper arms and strategically hide them from sight with sleeves and cardigans.

The other day, I had an acquaintance ask me, with some surprise, "How is it possible that a very pretty girl such as yourself be single?"

All I could do was smile, shrug and say "I don't know."

But in my mind, I was very quick to criticize my body and place all the blame on it for being the reason as to why I am still single.

Yet I look back on my picture. For once, I regard my face and think that I actually do look nice. Dare I believe that I really am a pretty girl? I have to remember that the outer appearance is not all there is to me.

I am witty (if not a little sarcastic). I am caring. I love to read books. I love to take long walks in the park. I love going out for coffee with friends. I take pleasure in eating warm French bread with some butter on it. I love talking to others in a one-on-one scenario. I am quick to offer a sympathetic ear to a friend who needs one.

I love seeing rogue drops of rain glisten upon their leaf cradles after they have impishly fallen from the heavens. I love the miraculous imprint of a vanishing sunset.

When will I meet the man who can appreciate those aspects about me and will be more vividly alert to grasp all of the positive characteristics that I woefully neglect when blinded by my faults?

It certainly won't happen today. I am sure of that.

But it will happen. Someday. I just have to be patient and continue to grow and not be so self-critical.

So, the goldilocked flying diaper-boy can just stick his arrows up his behind. I'm off to work and I am facing a bus strike today. I've got other cats to whip, erm, bigger fish to fry!

Barb the French Bean

Dear Loveless Bean

Cupid's response to my letter
_____________________________

Dear Loveless Bean,

Congratulations! Your lack of intelligence and vocabulary became a great hit at my house gathering yesterday. I will not apologize for your loveless life, but rather for even interfering in it. Are you not aware of how many arrows I have shot for you? I want to say I shot at least 100 arrows, but alas, my arrows are not as powerful to cover the charm that you unfortunately have not been blessed with. My arrows can cause both men and women to fall blindly in love with the first person they see. Unfortunately, as many a times I hit your crush with my arrows, he still has no desire for you.

The men that I have shot and have fallen for you was absolutely a miracle, so rather than being an unappreciative little shit face, you should be thankful. Besides how would you know if the men interested are not for you? Is it because you are not getting the men you want? Well listen carefully, my sweet little fuck face, life is not fair deal with it. Sometimes in life we have to make sacrifices, so deal with the men that do want the pleasure of your company. At least that is what everyone getting married or in a relationship do.

Sweet ignorant bean, I the god of love do not need to attend a "fairy" school. I am not the one lacking in knowledge, but you should know that by now. After all you accuse me of something I cannot control, like Walmart, Target, Walgreens and the whole world celebrating the day of love. It is not I who makes the walls ooze in pink or make heart shaped chocolates, you imbecile.

Have you ever thought that those "maniac" girls might actually be serial killers trying to kill poor innocent men? or maybe they might just be horny... Your stupidity really overcrowds your head, especially when you think you could ever get away with killing me off.

Let me remind you of something...number 1: I am the god of love, I have the power to bestow love on others, therefore if you are not satisfied then screw you, number 2: You will not write another hate letter to me because I will use my bow to strangle you, number 3: You have once again showed your stupidity by assuming that I wear a "diaper." If you know anything about mythology, you would know I need not cover my beauty with clothes of any sort, number 4: With number 3 being said, you cannot give me any sort of wedgie, thus you fail once again, loveless bean.



Thus said...

I will not hold this against you, but do not expect a date for valentines day.


with all my love,

Cupid


_____________________________________________________

FML.

-Hanny the coffee bean

Dear Dumb Ass Cupid

Dear Dumb Ass Cupid,

Valentines day is coming soon and I still have no date. I know I said I hate Valentines day because I find it so commercialized and pink is just NOT my color, but how hard is it to get me a date? All you have to do is get one of your damn arrows and shoot it at some random cute guy (preferably my obsession crush). If that doesn't work then you should try shoving those damn arrows up...Wait!...I KNOW for a fact that they do work, but are you blind?! You shot the wrong guys, you moron!

I mean wasn't it enough with the three lame excuses I call ex's?? and now you dare leave me alone for Valentines day?! How is it that half of everyone is getting married or getting in a relationship, and yet I am still here waiting for some dumb ass to make a move already? I am aware some have already made a move, but you hit the wrong freaking guys with your DAMN arrows...

Did you miss? do you have to go back to fairy school or where ever you came from?? no? Then why Cupid torture me in this way? Isn't it enough that every time i enter Walmart, Walgreens, Target or any of those damned stores, I see the walls oozing in pink colors and big bulging hearts? How about all the times I have to see girls tackling their boyfriends like maniacs, while I just walk the lonely dark halls of a disgustingly valentines decorated campus? Don't forget the commercials of all those men that give those old hags ladies diamonds...Honestly cupid, where the hell is my cutie with my diamond and some heart shaped chocolates?? Hell I don't even need the diamond! give me the guy, the chocolates and I'll never complain about the guy I am with write another hate letter!

Now I hate to get rough with you Cupid, but I am giving you until Valentines day to send me a "date." If by that time I do not get a date...I will sabotage you. That's right...I will sabotage you. I will take that diaper blanket piece of sheet to hang you with whatever the hell you wear and give you a bad wedgie! It will be so bad that you will want to use your arrows for death and not love.




That said...




I am your biggest fan, Cupid. I really really really am! Die you piece of shit...die!


Hate Love you,
Hanny the coffee bean

(Stay tuned for Cupid's response...oh boy...)