Monday, February 7, 2011

Dear Dumb Ass Cupid

Dear Dumb Ass Cupid,

Valentines day is coming soon and I still have no date. I know I said I hate Valentines day because I find it so commercialized and pink is just NOT my color, but how hard is it to get me a date? All you have to do is get one of your damn arrows and shoot it at some random cute guy (preferably my obsession crush). If that doesn't work then you should try shoving those damn arrows up...Wait!...I KNOW for a fact that they do work, but are you blind?! You shot the wrong guys, you moron!

I mean wasn't it enough with the three lame excuses I call ex's?? and now you dare leave me alone for Valentines day?! How is it that half of everyone is getting married or getting in a relationship, and yet I am still here waiting for some dumb ass to make a move already? I am aware some have already made a move, but you hit the wrong freaking guys with your DAMN arrows...

Did you miss? do you have to go back to fairy school or where ever you came from?? no? Then why Cupid torture me in this way? Isn't it enough that every time i enter Walmart, Walgreens, Target or any of those damned stores, I see the walls oozing in pink colors and big bulging hearts? How about all the times I have to see girls tackling their boyfriends like maniacs, while I just walk the lonely dark halls of a disgustingly valentines decorated campus? Don't forget the commercials of all those men that give those old hags ladies diamonds...Honestly cupid, where the hell is my cutie with my diamond and some heart shaped chocolates?? Hell I don't even need the diamond! give me the guy, the chocolates and I'll never complain about the guy I am with write another hate letter!

Now I hate to get rough with you Cupid, but I am giving you until Valentines day to send me a "date." If by that time I do not get a date...I will sabotage you. That's right...I will sabotage you. I will take that diaper blanket piece of sheet to hang you with whatever the hell you wear and give you a bad wedgie! It will be so bad that you will want to use your arrows for death and not love.

That said...

I am your biggest fan, Cupid. I really really really am! Die you piece of shit...die!

Love you,
Hanny the coffee bean

(Stay tuned for Cupid's response...oh boy...)


  1. that made me hard.
    would you be my valentine?

  2. Wow, Hanny! You really hit the nail on its head with this letter. Honestly, if I have to walk past another heart-themed chocolate shop or poster showing a happy, attractive (and therefore not real) couple, then I might just shoot someone!

    Thanks so much for making me LAUGH, Partner-in-Crime! I needed it! ^.^


  3. Just remember, hon, for everyone who is single on Valentine's Day, there is someone else who is WITH someone who blows it entirely. ;)

  4. i'm planning on eating a cow heart to celebrate the "holiday".

  5. a better individual: LOL! hell why not? XD

    Barb: You are quite welcome :D I'm glad you had a good laugh! I think we both needed it..

    Tricia: so very true ^^

    flux: really?? O_o I would never eat a cows have some guts! awesome! (and good way to celebrate too!)

    -Coffee Bean

  6. could always ask a guy out instead of expecting him to do it. :)

  7. Random: trust me...I triedddd :( but the guy didn't want to be with me...or even date.

    And I'm very picky with guys :/ i can meet 30 and only find 1 or 2.

    -coffe bean

  8. Hanny
    I understand, I hate the valentines thing. Years of singleness without cards, flowers or chocolate. Then worse years with some crap dirt bag who would buy me a present that he wanted, still no card, flowers or chocolates.

    Now, Mr Midnite will be working so no romantic night for me.

    The dog sent me a rhyme:
    Roses are red
    Violets are pinky
    Thanks for still loving us
    When we're all stinky

    Mrs M

  9. wow... This is scary, and i do not mean in the good way either do you need to talk? I have the number for a good Psychiatrist.

  10. Mrs Midnite: Lucky of you to be working! I wish I had a job so that way I didn't have to put up with Valentines.

    love the rhyme hehe

    Stewie: Please do not tell me the psychiatrist is your dad...I rather wear pink and actually celebrate Valentines than to be treated by your dad...especially with the stories you've told me. O_o

    Coffee Bean


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