Saturday, February 12, 2011

Dear Loveless Bean

Cupid's response to my letter

Dear Loveless Bean,

Congratulations! Your lack of intelligence and vocabulary became a great hit at my house gathering yesterday. I will not apologize for your loveless life, but rather for even interfering in it. Are you not aware of how many arrows I have shot for you? I want to say I shot at least 100 arrows, but alas, my arrows are not as powerful to cover the charm that you unfortunately have not been blessed with. My arrows can cause both men and women to fall blindly in love with the first person they see. Unfortunately, as many a times I hit your crush with my arrows, he still has no desire for you.

The men that I have shot and have fallen for you was absolutely a miracle, so rather than being an unappreciative little shit face, you should be thankful. Besides how would you know if the men interested are not for you? Is it because you are not getting the men you want? Well listen carefully, my sweet little fuck face, life is not fair deal with it. Sometimes in life we have to make sacrifices, so deal with the men that do want the pleasure of your company. At least that is what everyone getting married or in a relationship do.

Sweet ignorant bean, I the god of love do not need to attend a "fairy" school. I am not the one lacking in knowledge, but you should know that by now. After all you accuse me of something I cannot control, like Walmart, Target, Walgreens and the whole world celebrating the day of love. It is not I who makes the walls ooze in pink or make heart shaped chocolates, you imbecile.

Have you ever thought that those "maniac" girls might actually be serial killers trying to kill poor innocent men? or maybe they might just be horny... Your stupidity really overcrowds your head, especially when you think you could ever get away with killing me off.

Let me remind you of something...number 1: I am the god of love, I have the power to bestow love on others, therefore if you are not satisfied then screw you, number 2: You will not write another hate letter to me because I will use my bow to strangle you, number 3: You have once again showed your stupidity by assuming that I wear a "diaper." If you know anything about mythology, you would know I need not cover my beauty with clothes of any sort, number 4: With number 3 being said, you cannot give me any sort of wedgie, thus you fail once again, loveless bean.

Thus said...

I will not hold this against you, but do not expect a date for valentines day.

with all my love,




-Hanny the coffee bean


  1. Whoa.

    You are the only person I know to get called "my sweet little fuck face" by Cupid.


    And, wait a minute..."The men that I have shot and have fallen for you was absolutely a miracle, so rather than being an unappreciative little shit face, you should be thankful?"

    Is he effing kidding me???

    Doesn't Cupid know that it is better to be alone than in bad company? Isn't he aware of all the heart troubles he has caused over centuries because he shot "miraculous" guys for "charmless" ladies?

    To think he qualifies to be THE God of Love! I say he needs to step down and put someone else into his position because he clearly is not doing a very good job anymore (if at all).

    What a jerk. I hope that, due to his lack of roaming naked, he gets a really, really nasty sunburn on his netherparts. He clearly deserves that.

    (And I am not scared of his reaction because I have already resolved myself to not care much for love these days. Fuck Cupid and his misguided arrows. I have better things to do with my life than to worry about the next guy who will just ultimately break my heart.)

    -Barb the French Bean

  2. You see I told you Cupid hates me >_< he calls me names, he rather I sacrifice my happiness with some jerk than to be happy with someone I like...

    I agree the god of love is lacking and is rather a meanie these days.

    -Coffee Bean


Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb