Friday, October 14, 2011

Love Letters to Everything I Hate

Dear facebook stalkers,

Whenever I get a horny ass message from you guys, I melt. My heart races whenever you guys friend request me and the sole thought that you guys might be masturbating to me makes my heart skip a beat. I love getting the messages where you guys tell me how beautiful I am and that there is no other girl like me. I especially love it when I find out, I wasn't the only girl you sent those messages to. You all had me at "Damn girrrr." I can't wait to talk to you all soon.

The message above says that finding my profile was the "prettiest" thing to happen and that even though people might tell me this a lot, he had a need to tell me that I am a beautiful woman.

I had more messages, but I ended up erasing some of them a while back.

Dear ghost in my room,

I love the way you torture me when I sleep. I love waking up from a strange shake of my bed and not being able to move when I do wake up. You are so funny and adorable when you levitate my clothes while I'm taking pictures of myself. Thank you for the sleepless nights.

If you look to the left of the picture you will see something in the air (looks like clothes), but when i turned around, it wasnt there...

Dear nightmares,

Have I told you how much I love you? I love spending hours and hours of my sleep time being tortured by you. I love how you make me imagine horrible, hideous things that make me wake up screaming. I enjoy our time together while you show me how horrible this world is, how horrible the people in my life are, and how I'll never amount to anything in life. Thank you for all your negativity and torture.

Dear 3 year ex boyfriend,

It has been approximately 1 year and a half since our loving separation. I am sooooo happy that I see you every day of my damn life. I love how when you see me you run away as fast as you can (I'm sorry I can't play hide and seek anymore). Every time I get on the bus to go home, I see you there with your greasy hair soaking the bus seat, how OH SO CUTE! and the fact that we are apparently neighbors, living in the same damn neighborhood gives me such a comfort to know that I am forsaken to see you for the rest of my life ( or until I move). Though with my luck I know I'll get to see your big pores oozing oil face often.

Dear inconsiderate customers,

Thank you for loving me so much and throwing all my nicely folded clothes to the ground. I think about you guys all the time and feel distraught when you aren't acting like animals in my department. It saddens me when your children are not peeing on my floor or running up the escalators that go down. I get butterflies in my stomach whenever I see you all ravaging through the department like if its the last store left on this planet. I love it when you all set your crying gnomes on the counter while I try to answer an important call. Last, but not least it touches me when you all are rude while I try to help.

The following video shows you the animals people turn into while shopping...(not my video)

Dear dumb asses that almost killed me at the Childish Gambino Concert,

I love feeling your sweaty bodies on me, especially when you were trying to push me out of the way when I was the one in front. That one guy with beer in his hand wooed me by spitting on me while he sang a drunk ass song. I especially loved getting trampled by your tall ass dumb asses, it was very romantic. You guys were very much amazing when it came to words, especially when it came to talking about 'bitches and hoes' that attended the concert. My heart sang when you guys started to laugh like hyenas...OH THE SWEET SOUND.

Yours Truly,



  1. Sheesh! What a world.

  2. Oh, putain, do NOT get between a Frenchwoman and H&M clothes. :P

  3. I love your sarcasm, tried really hard not to laugh while reading this (didn't work)! Eww, those facebook guys are creepy, I used to get that a lot on myspace a couple years ago, but fb hasn't been so bad, lol! Good luck with all these "lovely" things, hopefully some of them get better soon. :)

    Principessa Gabriella

  4. That ghost thing is a bit worrying :(

  5. Justina: I'm glad you can feel it :p hehe

    A man: definitely...this world is just plain crazy.

    Barb: I think it's do not get between ANY woman and clothes...everyone is just as bad XD I should know.

    Gabriella: Thanks! I hope some of them get better too.

    fizzee: Isn't it? O_o I can't sleep at night now...

  6. Hello! actually all these guys are wrong: you aren't special at all. Maybe it sounds cocky but u don't deserve a minute with me babe. Cheers!

  7. Wow. You're too young to realize that guys tell EVERY woman she's beautiful, yet you do're smarter than I was when I was your age. Hell, you're smarter than I am *now*, and I'm so old I can remember when all TV was black & white and on only three channels. You know who my favourite Facebook creep was? The kid who tried to friend me whose profile pic was him sitting on the bed in his Calvin Kleins and a beer can sticking out of the top of them. Ooooohhh, that makes me so hot, I'm just creaming my Depends right now!!! You soo saaaaxy, as they say in some of the very best spams...


Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb