Thursday, August 19, 2010

Another Set of Letters to Things That Don't Need Letters

[Here are the links to the other sets of letters: first, second, and third.]

Dear Cockroach in the Bathroom:

Pervert. Don't pretend like I didn't see you. 'Cause I saw you. With your presence, I find myself being ill-at-ease with the fact that you were staring beadily at me as I showered. I suppose you found it very entertaining and are now planning to invite your roach buddies to witness the next spectacle.

Well, I'm on to you, pal, with a flip-flop firmly clutched in my hand. Yes, that was a threat. Get out or I'll swiftly end your life in the most abruptly brusque manner. If you wish to avoid this fate, will you kindly remove your disgusting person out of place where I'm not supposed to feel vulnerable being naked? And don't you dare think of stopping by the kitchen for a midnight snack, you horrid animal.

Dear Alka Seltzer:

Thank you for taking away my headache. I really owe you one! I love the way you fizz hundreds of tiny bubbles when I release you into your natural habitat of a glass of water.

Dear Grandpa Computer:

You'd better pray that I don't find out how a hammer works.

Dear Bed Bugs:

Please stop invading beds and New York movie theaters so endless morning talk shows don't do excruciating reports that detail the welts you inflict on the unsuspecting people who go see Dinner for Schmucks and the like. The Cockroach in the Bathroom is bad enough for me, thanks.

Dear Sound of Running Water:

You have no idea how much you torture my bladder after I've drunk 3 glasses of water. The fact that my home has only one toilet that is currently occupied doesn't exactly abstain me from doing the jiggy "I gotta pee" dance that every single person does at some point.

On the plus side, I am now considering to become a toe-tapping tap dancer who sits in a chair.

Dear Garbage Day:

I only remember you when the Garbage Truck is beeping right out my window. Damn it. Can I do a raincheck on you?

Dear 19 1/2 pounds/ 8,8 kilos:

Thanks to your absence, I've now been able to try on clothes that have been sitting in my closet for over two years! This has prevented me from going out to purchase new clothes (but I probably will have to get some New Jeans soon). Thanks so much for going away!

Barb the French Bean


  1. Careful how you squish that cockroach! I hear that if it's a female with eggs, those eggs will stick around after she's gone. Maybe use disinfectant after squishing?

  2. yay! congratulations on weight loss! helloo..thats pretty damn cool.
    btw what is up with those bed bugs? yesterday it was on the news and what have they like taken over new york or something?

  3. Random Rambler: after I squish a wayward roach, I always pour something to disinfect the spot (like rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide).

    Pancake: Thanks! ^.^

    As for the bed bugs: I know, right? I watched the Today Show and they made another clip about the bugs being in a movie theater in Times Square. Yeesh...

    -French Bean

  4. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well on obtaining your goal to lose weight! And cockroaches are a prime example of why I shall never move south.

    Just a side note I thought you might enjoy: I had to stop and think if I'd already read this set of letters to things that don't need letters. I think numbers in the titles would be a lovely idea. :3

  5. Congratulations on losing weight.

    I've never dealt with cockroaches or bed bugs, but I hope it stays that way.

    You're funny, too, by the way. :D


Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb