Letters to Things That Don't Need Letters

Dear Lukewarm Water,

I will not drink you unless you are cold. Sorry, but I simply had to let you know that. I don't care if you come from the tap...just be cold.

I also tell you that I refuse to shower in you. My skin requires you to be at a scalding temperature to give me the false impression that I have actually cleaned myself well enough. Yes, I know hot water is bad for my skin, but I still like it, dang it.


Dear Credit Card,

I hate you. Die.


Dear Demon Chihuahua,

I love you. Please stay with me forever. <3


Dear Garbage Bag in the Garbage,

You really, really stink repulsively today, but I'm too lazy to throw you out. I think I'll eventually do so once I finish forcing back the urge to gag every time I walk past you.


Dear Frying Onions,

Thank you so much for masking the stench coming from the Garbage Bag. Now, do me a favor and remove your stench from my clothes and hair.


Dear Dead Lizard in my Room,

Not to sound heartless, but couldn't you have died elsewhere???

Now I shall have to contact the D.A. so they can identify you and then notify your lizard friends and family of your unfortunate passing. I may or may not attend your funeral.


Dear Sun,

I can't walk outside if you keep shining down all day long. You make it too hot.


Dear Rain,

Stop falling when I am in the middle of my evening walks. That pesters me out of my mind.


Dear Car Which has a Booming Sound System,

You are so not cool, dude. The way your windows rattle every time the music thunders out a beat makes me burst out laughing. Plus, you make me want to raise the auditive level on my MP3 player; I don't need yet another factor that will cause me to go deaf by the time I'm 30.


Dear Cosmo,

Please stop sending me "courtesy" issues of your crap magazine. I have never been, nor will I ever be, interested in reading articles that give out waaaaaaay too much information about potential (and so far non-existent) sexual positions I could try out.

Thanks.

P.S.

You do realize that you've been sending me these magazines in Spanish, right? If you want to make me slightly less grumpy, try sending them to me in FRENCH.


Barb the French Bean