Monday, July 19, 2010

The Passive-Aggressive Vengeance of an Ex-Girlfriend

[Based on your level of experience, you may or may not be able to relate to this post.]

Many years ago, while watching an episode of Frasier, I was introduced to the famous list of the five stages of grief, more appropriately known as the Kübler-Ross model. Technically, this process is related to people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and therefore must come to terms with their inevitable passing. However, I clearly remember on Frasier that Kelsey Grammer's character went through the process after he had been laid-off from his radio host job at KACL.

If it worked for Frasier Crane, it can certainly work for me.

1) DENIAL

Um, what?

What did you say?

It's over??? No, it can't be. I refuse to believe it!

Maybe he's just playing a trick on me. Maybe he just wants to have some time to himself. Maybe he will realize what a mistake he is making by breaking it off with me.

Put these ponderings to rest: the omniscient Facebook sees it all.



It can't get any clearer than that.

2) ANGER (Also known as "Crazy-Bitch Mode")

There are several ways to display your rancor.

a. Write him a series of expletive-laced "I hate you" letters



(Do not mail these out. That would be kicking the horse when it's already dead.)

b. Dance like a loon to a series of "I hate you" songs. That being said, the song will have a major bonus if it has a rocking beat.

Example:



(I realize the subject of this song happens to be a girl but, oh, Juanes, you totally understand me! If you don't understand Spanish: trust me, this song fits perfectly with what I'm feeling.)

c. While listening to the "I hate you" songs, tear to little itty-bitty pieces any photographs you still have have him lying around. You'll find that this can be extremely therapeutic. Throw away the torn pieces in the trash, right where they belong.

d. Build a time capsule. Place away all of the items that remind you of him/that he gave to you in a box along with your "I hate you" letters. Seal that box. In twenty years, when your life is significantly successful, open the box and laugh.

Note: Don't let your anger get out of hand. You may start to become angry at things that have no fault whatsoever.


3) BARGAINING

Why on earth would you bargain anything with that jerk? Ugh. Skip this step.

4) DEPRESSION

Depression is NOT an option. That loser doesn't deserve your tears, nor will smoking marijuana, nor will scarfing down a box of Oreos daily be conducive to your well-being.

Instead of moping, focus on improving yourself, on making yourself be better. Set positive goals for yourself and cast aside the spurned, lovesick naïve girl; she's nothing but a shadow of who you used to be.

Here's my goal:
(Oh, stop sniggering. This is a good goal, dammit.)

5) ACCEPTANCE

Now the process is complete. You did it! You have surpassed the Colombian mega-star in hotness ranking and you've consoled yourself with the idea that your ex's life will only amount to being that of the town's canine feces collector.

Barb the French Bean

16 comments:

  1. Haha, very nice. I really enjoyed this post, it made me laugh. The pictures just MADE it. :)

    ReplyDelete
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  2. Remind me to never to get on your wrong side :p

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome post, reminds me of last week when I found my ex on Facebook (maybe now he'll feel compelled to sign those papers that say we really did agree to end our marriage 6 years ago) and discovered that the same day he accepted my "friend" request he also broke up with his girlfriend.

    P.S. Your pictures are beyond awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  4. HAHA!! SO true! Ugh, my last ex cheated on me, with a freshman whore who NO ONE likes (I'm honestly not exaggerating here). I was like, how can you not even take off ONE DAY to be single and fret? I hate when I see that someone is taken (especially after a long relationship) just a month or less after breaking up with someone. GAH!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Stu: Yes, never, EVER, get on my wrong side. I'll make you cry like a baby with a diaper rash. :-P

    Rachel: I'm sorry to hear that about your (legally-soon-to-be) ex.

    Angela: Yeah, I think that is what bothered me the most. He claimed to have loved me and claimed that he was "not ready" for a serious relationship, but wasted no time to start dating again. --.--"

    Thanks for the comments, everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is awesome. I can SO relate.

    ReplyDelete
  7. haha. i love your humor hun! hahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  8. hmm i can feel a lot of anger there...u know what check this is out www.saveabreakup.com and I gotta admit it helped me a lot, this manual teaches you tricks how to get your ex back, how to heal a broken heart, and how to breakup if you want to..!!!Does it get any better than that!?!

    ReplyDelete
  9. iTelemax: Thanks for offering the link. Should I have my heart broken again, I'll check it out. ^.^

    -French Bean

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG, I love that post! It definitely made me smile, it's so true, lol! Guys suck! Love the pictures too, made me giggle, haha! :)

    Principessa Gabriella

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to hear it made you smile! :D

      Just remember that even if you are sad, you need to keep your chin up and remember what a great person you are.

      -Barb

      Delete

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Apparently, leaving comments on this blog is a hit-or-miss game of Russian roulette: you are either lucky and can comment away, or you are required to log in when the settings are CLEARLY set to allow trouble-free commenting (sorry 'bout that, folks). If anything, the Facebook page is always a viable option. :) -Barb