The Passive-Aggressive Vengeance of an Ex-Girlfriend

[Based on your level of experience, you may or may not be able to relate to this post.]

Many years ago, while watching an episode of Frasier, I was introduced to the famous list of the five stages of grief, more appropriately known as the Kübler-Ross model. Technically, this process is related to people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and therefore must come to terms with their inevitable passing. However, I clearly remember on Frasier that Kelsey Grammer's character went through the process after he had been laid-off from his radio host job at KACL.

If it worked for Frasier Crane, it can certainly work for me.

1) DENIAL

Um, what?

What did you say?

It's over??? No, it can't be. I refuse to believe it!

Maybe he's just playing a trick on me. Maybe he just wants to have some time to himself. Maybe he will realize what a mistake he is making by breaking it off with me.

Put these ponderings to rest: the omniscient Facebook sees it all.



It can't get any clearer than that.

2) ANGER (Also known as "Crazy-Bitch Mode")

There are several ways to display your rancor.

a. Write him a series of expletive-laced "I hate you" letters



(Do not mail these out. That would be kicking the horse when it's already dead.)

b. Dance like a loon to a series of "I hate you" songs. That being said, the song will have a major bonus if it has a rocking beat.

Example:


(I realize the subject of this song happens to be a girl but, oh, Juanes, you totally understand me! If you don't understand Spanish: trust me, this song fits perfectly with what I'm feeling.)

c. While listening to the "I hate you" songs, tear to little itty-bitty pieces any photographs you still have have him lying around. You'll find that this can be extremely therapeutic. Throw away the torn pieces in the trash, right where they belong.

d. Build a time capsule. Place away all of the items that remind you of him/that he gave to you in a box along with your "I hate you" letters. Seal that box. In twenty years, when your life is significantly successful, open the box and laugh.

Note: Don't let your anger get out of hand. You may start to become angry at things that have no fault whatsoever.


3) BARGAINING

Why on earth would you bargain anything with that jerk? Ugh. Skip this step.

4) DEPRESSION

Depression is NOT an option. That loser doesn't deserve your tears, nor will smoking marijuana, nor will scarfing down a box of Oreos daily be conducive to your well-being.

Instead of moping, focus on improving yourself, on making yourself be better. Set positive goals for yourself and cast aside the spurned, lovesick naïve girl; she's nothing but a shadow of who you used to be.

Here's my goal:
(Oh, stop sniggering. This is a good goal, dammit.)

5) ACCEPTANCE

Now the process is complete. You did it! You have surpassed the Colombian mega-star in hotness ranking and you've consoled yourself with the idea that your ex's life will only amount to being that of the town's canine feces collector.

Barb the French Bean